Filosofi dan Logika

Jalan hidupku yang membawa arah, ke manapun ia melangkah, aku diam pasrah. Akulah yang menjalani lika-likunya, dan sudah seharusnya ia yang mengikut, dan bukan bertanya. Hidupku bukan hidupmu, jadi cukuplah simpan prakatamu, sebelum semuanya jadi semu, dan hidupku jadi hidupmu. Aku tak mau! Apa yang telah kuraih, dengan tangan yang selalu menggapai, takkan pernah cukup memenuhi ego yang membuatku lunglai. Sekencang apa aku berlari? Secepat itukah aku mengejar, apa? Diriku sendiri?

Langkahku yang semula cepat, tiba-tiba bergetar hebat. Entah apa yang membuatku melambat, apakah hujan badai, apakah hujan deras, ataukah hanya gerimis lebat? Aku terkesiap. Seperti berlari sendirian di lintasan balap, putaran demi putaran kulahap, dengan langkah kaki yang semakin berderap. Bayanganku mengejar semakin cepat saja, padahal di putaran sebelumnya aku cukup berjalan manja. Begitukah putaran kehidupan? Akan semakin cepat dan memusingkan, hingga tidak ada lagi asa untuk bahkan melangkah pelan.

Sudah sewajarnya tujuanku terkuak jelas, semua yang bisa dan tidak bisa kuraih, harus bisa kupilih dengan bebas dan tegas. Tapi kenyataannya? Semua masih samar, buram hampir tak berbentuk, dan jalannya belum tentu benar. Sedikit mencuat harapan masa depan, dengan probabilitas yang tidak bisa dibilang bukan, tidak juga bisa dibenarkan. Langkah demi langkah kulihat bayanganku akan selalu lebih jauh di depan, menggenggam sedikit semangat terus belajar. Oh, aku harus terus mengejar!

“Aku mau melakukan sesuatu untuk satu alasan!”, pikirku di awal perjalanan. Satu alasan yang paling konkret dan sekaligus paling klise adalah ‘menjadi bahagia’. Bagaimana mendefinisikan bahagia? Di saat semua yang aku lakukan membuatku gila? Oh, dengan menyelesaikannya segera. Aku menyelesaikannya segera, dengan harapan jadi bahagia. Perlahan, aku mulai paham artinya, ‘kebahagiaan yang kudapat dari selesai segera dan selesai bermakna adalah sama’. Aku mulai tenggelam dalam kebahagiaan yang lama-lama punya nama. Namanya bukan bahagia.

Di saat filosofi datang menyapu semua logikaku, sekejap ototku kaku, lidahku kelu. Seperti dihantam badai topan, aku terpaku. Ingin rasanya ikut lari bersama yang lain, tapi apa arahnya sama, atau sama sekali lain? Kekakuan ini membuatku jatuh tersungkur, tersapu sisa-sisa badai yang telah gugur. Aku masih hidup, dan hari ini membuatku berpikir sejenak, apa yang membuatku redup? Apakah aku terlalu bahagia? Atau karena “bahagia” ini aku jadi menderita? Entahlah. Aku yakin.

Satu alasan itu tiba-tiba jadi jelas, seperti kamu tersenyum di balik beningnya gelas. Aku hanya ingin segera, dan bukannya bermakna. Itulah mengapa! Kesegeraan membunuh makna. Aku belajar banyak menyelesaikan masalah dengan segera, dan itu meletupkan kebahagiaan semu yang sama sekali berbeda. Menjadi bermakna bukan berarti selalu sama, bisa saja berbeda, namun tetap seirama. Aku yakin, untuk saat ini, itu yang akan kucari.

Thank You 2015!

Hello. Everyone should be happy about today. As we enter the end of 2015. For me personally, this year has been great so far (knowing there are still 1 hour left), and life has turned to many directions. And this is what I’ve been following this far, so let’s review what God has led me in 2015.

I’ll begin with the most important area of my life, and that would be my relationship with God. 2015 has led me through many things, and what surprised me the most, is what God has been doing along 2015. I am really grateful for the opportunity, to grow deeper in relationship with Him, experience Him more and more through DATE, Hillsong Conference, and in my daily life afterwards, when I started to be more sensitive. I am really grateful to be baptized this year, since it’s the most important decision I’ve made this far of my life, and I had no regret at all. It’s like everything had been thoroughly planned. In relation to my 2015 resolution, I am really grateful to be disciplined in titheing, and I hadn’t miss one single month this year! I really pray this to continue.

Secondly, I am really grateful for my family. It’s really mesmerizing to see what God has done to my family. Say, my sister got a scholarship in NTU, something we never thought before, studying abroad seemed so far from our priority list. And somehow He gave us this. My father, after endured many months jobless, now finally He’s been given many projects, and we hope for more in the future. My mother, she had lived with burdens, since my sister left to Singapore and with family issues has been going on, and now I’m grateful that she can loose up a little and laugh more now. And myself, hmm.. I got promoted at the office, something I didn’t think about much, but I’m trying to be grateful for that. Yes, I’m grateful for that!

Then, 2015 has been quite harsh on romance. I am still single. I love being single, but sometimes…. It’s not really that lovely. I’ve endured several heartbreaks, let’s not talk about that. I learned a lot, that being realistic is a game everyone plays right now. So, never think on being idealistic, or fantasizing on your romantic life. Let’s try to be grateful right now, since today is about stating gratefulness. I am grateful for lessons learned, since every rejections lead me to new directions, and I’ve learned a lot about being secure instead of being eaten up by insecurities. And 2016, I look forward to new directions, hopefully that one direction.

I’ve been working at EY for 2 years now, going 3. I feel like my motivations going down every morning. Since informed about the WHV program in Aussie, I think my focus has shifted a little more each day. I know it happened to affect my performance at work, but still, I think about it no less. This year has been very bloodspattering on overtime, to be specific. With that same shitty client, the cancelled IPO, and the Bonds offering project on June. Then again, I’m trying to be grateful here, for supportive team members, very understanding managers, and the lessons learned this year. I think my heart gets bigger and bigger every year here.

To sum up, I’ve reviewed all ups and downs happened in 2015, and I’m very grateful to be able to endure another year, getting more mature in life, and what are priceless? The lessons I learned along. Thank you 2015!

Memilih atau Dipilih?

“Life is about choices you make.” Mereka menyapaku ramah setiap kali datang, dan tersenyum sopan setiap kali aku pergi. Konsep datang-pergi inilah yang paling membingungkan, mengapa mereka menyapa waktu datang dan tersenyum waktu pergi? Bukankah seharusnya mereka menangis waktu aku pergi? Aku baru berbelanja di supermarket.

“Life is about choices you make.”, belum juga habis lamunanku. Berkali-kali aku datang, sesering itulah mereka akan tersenyum. Mengapa aku memilih memilih pergi, dan bukannya tinggal? Oh, aku memilih bebas. Bebas datang dan bebas pergi. Itulah yang aku tahu tentang kebebasan, dan selalu kuperjuangkan. Mengapa harus bertahan saat semua buruk? Mengapa harus pergi saat semua baik? Aku menelponnya.

“Life is about choices you make.”, suaranya manis di seberang sana. Aku ingin bebas datang dan pergi. Tanpa kusadari, tiada datang kembali setelah pergi. Klik, kututup teleponnya. Aku menangis.

“Life is about choices you make.”, sekarang aku sadar mengapa harus bertahan saat semua buruk. Terlalu sering buruk yang kuhindari, bukan baik juga yang kuhampiri. Bayangkan dirimu ada di depan dua tungku yang menyala, di sebelah kananmu nasi goreng, di sebelah kirimu, telur mata sapi. “Aku mau nasi goreng pakai telur mata sapi!”, pikirku. Hari itu berakhir dengan nasi goreng yang gosong dan telur mata sapi yang lebih mirip serabi.

“Life is about choices you make.”, tanpa sadar aku termenung cukup lama. Aku banyak belajar dari nasi dan telur yang gosong, bahwa tidak ada yang lebih kosong daripada tidak tahu sama sekali ke mana hidup ini harus diboyong. I choose not to choose, kumatikan semua tungku lalu berdiri diam menghadapi dua  lempengan besi yang menunggu disambar api. Bebas, memilih, datang, pergi, tinggal, pulang. Pikiran itu berkecamuk bersama bayangannya yang kadang hinggap seperti nyamuk. Tidak mau pergi.

“Life is about choices you make.”, ia mengetuk pintu. Ia membawa kompor satu tungku, sepiring nasi putih, dan sebutir telur. Aku tersenyum.

Kebebasan tidak melulu datang bersama pilihan, kadang ia datang sendiri, memilihmu.

Christmas. What I think about it?

There's always something about christmas. The festive season when people celebrate. If you ask me what did they celebrate, I have no idea, all the time.

Some say, we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, with all the happiness He brings to this world, while some other say, it's just the festivities at shopping malls and gorgeous christmas-themed hymns they celebrate. I don't really know.

Series of dinners and gift exchanges, from the first which really is about christmas, which I know nothing about, until the last one that feels like a reunion.

And that's what I love about christmas. It's not the celebration of Jesus' birth or festivities at shopping malls that I love. I think it works as a reminder every year, after series of up and down we survived this year, He gives us another try to define what Christmas is (since we never get it right) and there are still a bunch of people love us the way we are (or the way they remember us from last year's dinner).

Merry christmas! We are loved. Let's love more.

Seen yet Unseen, or See the Unseen?

On a daily basis, we face different situations on our life. So different that we need to take stand for what we think about them, and sometimes what bothers us are whether it’s good or bad, right or wrong, or else. I believe that we all try to see from different perspective, but does it really matter?

The different perspectives can lead us everywhere, from the highest praise to the lowdown of shame. And by choosing perspective, I believe that has something to do with us trusting our mind or our heart, since they are the only options we have, to tell us what’s right and what can be right. You know the difference. And now it will be the contest between heart versus mind. Which one you prefer to follow? Which one enables you to really be seen, not just see? And goes we think.
 

We all know that the most logical way to think is through our mind, and yet that most logical way can’t be applied on all things. And yes, through our heart, everything seems melodramatic, but does it answer questions? Maybe.
 

Based on studies conducted by Nasir Naqvi, Baba Shiv, and Antoine Bechara, “The Role of Emotion in Decision Making: A Cognitive Neuroscience Perspective”, published in the Current Directions in Psychological Science Vol. 5 No. 5, stated that the decision making processes includes not only cognitive processes, but also emotional processes, according to the somatic-marker hypothesis.
 

The hypothesis alone said, “When individuals make decisions, they must assess the incentive value of the choices available to them, using cognitive and emotional processes. When the individuals face complex and conflicting choices, they may be unable to decide using only cognitive processes, which may become overloaded.”
 

This hypothesis was tested using different method, one of them is the “Iowa Gambling Task” method, which tested two kinds of people, normal person and vmPFC (ventromedial prefrontal cortex)¹ damaged person. Both are asked to choose cards from four different decks, which represents different risks and rewards. The results are described below:

1.    Normal person tend to choose from less risky decks, while equally consider the risk-to-reward ratio from all decks, and significantly change mind after experiencing high risk from one deck.
2.    vmPFC damaged person tend to choose always from risky decks, seemingly insensitive to the risks and punishments.
 

The next step, they conducted another test. Now includes the measurement of skin-conductance response (SCR)². The results shown as below:
1.    Normal person elicited higher index of SCR while considering the risky decks, rather than considering the less risky decks.
2.    vmPFC damaged person elicited intact index of SCR while considering both risky or less risky decks, suggesting no emotional impact.
 

Then, after the emotional processes are elicited in the body during the decision making, they are represented in the brain through a sensory process, which we called “gut feelings”.
 

Another studies on functional magnetic resonance imagery (fMRI)³ shows that vmPFC plays a big role in predicting the future rewarding consequences on different behaviors by accessing information about their specific rewarding consequences in the past. On the same study, the fMRI has shown that activity in the insular cortex⁴ is greater during high-risk decision making than it is during low-risk decision making and suggesting that the insular cortex plays a big role in assessing risk and guiding behavior based upon the anticipation of emotional consequences, especially negative emotional consequences.
 

For maybe the elaboration above is unclear, let’s try to put it this way. Say, we are sitting on an math exam. It’s definite that we will think cognitively rather using our emotion to sort the quizzes out. And say, we get our answer for one question, then we check it again, if the answer’s right. Does it feel right? More or less, that’s how we make decision. People with damage is unable to do that, they may get the answer, but unable to answer if it does feel right.
 

On my account, it’s definitely easier said than done. And it may works on you as well. I still think that following my heart is good, or at least giving me good lessons. I believe that nothing comes for free, there are always price to pay, or presents to claim. We may never know until we are actually in it, and to put it in easier terms, it’s the decision to go along or back off, that we need to really think about.
 

It is seen yet unseen, the way we overthink something.
 

It is to see the unseen, the way we throw ourselves away in that something.
 

Sorry for the inconclusive writing. Bye.








Footnotes:
¹ vmPFC (ventromedial prefrontal cortex) : an area of the brain located above the eye sockets.
² skin-conductance response (SCR) : an autonomic index in emotional arousal.
³ functional magnetic resonance imagery (fMRI) : functional neuroimaging procedure using MRI technology that measures brain activity by detecting changes associated with blood flow
⁴ insular cortex : a portion of the cerebral cortex folded deep within the lateral sulcus (the fissure separating the temporal lobe from the parietal and frontal lobes)

, (koma)

Bukan asa yang menggugah rasa
Hanya segurat koma menggantung manja
Menahan pintu ruang seakan bisa
Kesempatan kedua setelah nafas dihela.

Bukan kata yang mengubah makna
Hanya segurat koma menggantung manja
Tak terhitung berapa kali derita
Kala koma menahan akhir cerita

Bukan koma yang mencipta ruang
Hanya hati yang masih ingin berpeluang
Apa arti koma saat Ia berkata titik
Dan apalah titik saat lara masih menitik?

Cahaya

Seberkas mentari menahanmu disini. Kau tahu berapa banyak waktu yang ada, tidak banyak, namun cukup untuk menggelorakan visimu sejenak. Terang itu menyilaukan, sekaligus memabukkan. Ia memanggilmu, menarikmu, dan mengurungmu dalam pikiran itu, pikiran yang diterangi oleh berkas-berkas cahaya yang mengintip di balik terali. Waktumu tidak banyak.

Engkau berlari, mengejar cahaya itu. Tergila-gila kau dibuatnya, entah setengah gila atau sepenuhnya, matamu memandang lurus dan lehermu tidak goyah, dan ayunan langkahmu mantap. Bukan kebetulan, kata orang cahaya itu luar biasa, menghadirkan makna, dan melegakan jiwa. Derap langkahmu makin cepat, mengingat waktumu tak banyak.

Langkahmu terlalu cepat, nafasmu terlalu lambat, dan semangatmu kurang hebat untuk mengimbangi apa yang menghantui kepalamu. Engkau mulai kepayahan, matamu mulai gelap, hingga berkas cahaya itu perlahan hilang. Sesaat muncul pertanyaan di benakmu, “Benarkah ini?”, tanpa kau hiraukan, engkau paksa terus berlari. Waktumu tidak banyak.

Hingga berkas cahaya itu benar-benar hilang, pertanyaan tadi mengetuk lagi, “Apakah ini?”, dan engkau terlalu lelah untuk mengabaikan godaannya, dan engkau jatuh juga. Satu kali, dan engkau kembali bangkit setelah sejenak kau luruskan lagi kakimu dan tekadmu. Cepat, waktu tidak banyak.

Pertanyaan itu datang lagi, kali ini bentuknya berbeda, lebih mirip pernyataan. “Bukan ini!”, katanya. Apa benar ini? tanyamu dalam hati. Kali ini logikamu bergerak, menghitung semua kemungkinan yang ada, setiap titik cahaya yang kau dapati di depan matamu kau analisa. Sial! Bukan yang ini. Lalu engkau jatuh, kedua kali. Kali ini bukan karena kakimu lelah, lebih karena hatimu menyerah. Kalau bukan yang ini, lalu yang mana?

Lehermu yang sebelumnya tegar, kali ini pasrah. Matamu yang sebelumnya cerah, kali ini payah. “Apa lagi?”, tanyamu pada hidup. Tanpa sempat kau dapati jawabnya, kilatan cahaya lain lewat di depanmu, dan hilang begitu saja di ujung labirin. Tentu, bukan itu yang engkau cari, konsistensinya kurang. Sedetik berselang, lewat lagi kilatan tadi, kali ini di belakangmu, yang hanya bisa kau tangkap dari sudut matamu. “Apa yang itu?”, tanyamu lagi, kali ini benar-benar lupa, waktumu tak banyak.

Sejenak dalam gelap membuatmu sadar. Kau dapati secercah sinar, tidak terlalu terang. Kau ikuti sinar itu, ia terus bergerak menjauhimu. Terbiasa oleh kegagalan, engkau diam sebentar. Sinar itu ikut diam, namun tidak memudar. Waktumu mulai menipis, bisa kau rasakan detak jantungmu berdetik. Kali ini harus dapat, katamu dalam hati. Segenap sisa tenagamu dan sedikit sisa hidupmu kau pertaruhkan
semuanya.

Detik terakhir, setelah sekian detik terlewati dengan sia-sia, kau dapati dirimu terjatuh, kepalamu terantuk batu, dan matamu memejam, “Ini akhirnya.”, pikirmu. Namun, kau dapati sinar itu tetap ada, meski matamu terpejam, sambil mengucap doa yang terakhir, dan akhirnya bisa kau yakini bahwa terang tak melulu pasti, dan gelap tak selalu mati. Cahaya itu ada di dalammu, selamanya.