Grace to Grace

It’s Easter today. March 27, 2016. The time for us celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who took all of our burdens, sins, and shame, up to the cross and died up there. We have been renewed; we will have new life ahead, new life in Jesus, whose grace introduced the new way of life. Okay, it’s quite a background. Moving along.

Apart from the images we posted on Path and Instagram, saying how grateful we are, and how we promised to leave our old way of living, actually I felt pretty insecure. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s kind of a poor gambling Jesus did, to give away His life for us. Which I would never do, gamble my own life on something or someone I am not sure about. How can Jesus be sure about us, the tricksters and sinners of us. No way.

Yes, He is Jesus, and we are human, the infinite versus the finite. The all of all versus the bullshit we are. To save our time thinking about this, we often include the word ‘Grace’ to describe all of this we are clueless about. But really, haven’t you, even just for once thinking how can He be willing to do all of that? Be open to me. I’ve been thinking about that for a long time now, on how wasteful His sacrifice for me, the hopeless yet hopeful, faithful yet faithless, the dirty-thinker of me. Yes, I know and very aware of how big it is, yet I don’t think I can live up the expectation here.

Yet, He still did it. And He does it again today. For the second consecutive years of me being Christian, and still that thought lingered. But, He doesn’t care, He still does it. No matter how hard I doubt myself and Him, He still did, does, and will do it again and again. Okay, let’s just say my mind’s path is blocked by a gigantic wall hundred metres high, and I can’t get past that. My brain has not reached a point where it could form a thought that could adequately describe the greatness of my God, quoting Mr. Isaac Wimberley on his great poem “The Word”. And should I keep trying?

Now I think I should flip the way I think, from “How could He do it for me?” to “How can I return the grace I received?” Yes, it is grace. I don’t mean to save my time I’ve been wasting to think about this, but I think I’ve discovered a new understanding of grace. I’ll just put it that way.

Then, I think again. Our position with Jesus is already defined. At least in my understanding, Jesus stands there as a giver, and we bow down here asking, as a receiver. Please enlighten me if you guys think of something. I could never imagine us giving back to Jesus, with our worldly things. The best we could give is our weekly offering and tithe. Is it enough to repay? Jesus gave His life on the cross, and graced us wholeheartedly, and we give back with money? I can’t even make any sense of this.

But, we can stand here also, as a giver, to others. We can serve, as Jesus did in His lifetime. Serving others with the grace we received, I think that’s the goal we should pursue. It’s not giving back to Him, but to pay it forward to others.

1 Peter 4:10-11 MSG

7-11 Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God’s words; if help, let it be God’s hearty help. That way, God’s bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he’ll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time. Oh, yes!

To conclude all my less-biblical murmur here, let’s just don’t think how grand His sacrifice for us and be insecure. Let’s just think about what can we do for others so the name of God be glorified and we can walk from grace to grace.

Sacrifice & Surrender

It’s Good Friday today, where we Christians celebrate, or perhaps commemorate the death of Jesus Christ. I personally went to church today, and I got something going on in my mind about the Good Friday itself, and how it will affect our daily life ahead.

I strongly believe, as many people do, that Jesus Christ died at the cross because of our sins, which have been paid in full by His own blood. As my pastor said, that Jesus came to this earth to repay our debts, our sins, which He could easily turned around in a blink of an eye, yet He didn’t choose such way, but fulfilling the hardest way possible, through death.

Romans 6:23

“For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

The wages of sin is death, which should all expensed to us, the sinners. Yet He came here to write the expenses off, through the way it should be, as said in the bible. For me, it’s His greatest sacrifice for all mankind. Then, the sins have been paid, and we are set free by His grace, and what should we do then? Remembering the love He has poured for us so grand, yet it feels impossible to repay.

I got this very thought when I was praying, and it went like this, “God, thank You for Your sacrifice at the cross for me, I surrender all my life to You. Lead me Your way, wherever You want.” Then, instantly I thought about how it correlated, the sacrifice and the surrender.

First, let’s talk about the similarities between sacrifice and surrender. First thing I noted that both need something as an object, rather than a subject. Jesus Christ sacrificed His own life, for our lives. Then, we should all surrender all our lives to Him. Second, it needs a big object, significant enough for us to ponder many times before we make commitment about it. Life it is. Sometimes, we want life to go our way, where we want it to be, yet surrendering means giving control over everything life-related to Him, the way He committed His life hung up on that nasty cross for us.

Then, both surrendering and sacrificing need a proactive mind approach. By proactive approach, I mean there are things need to be done to sacrifice, or to surrender. As Jesus Christ has done His time on earth, ministering about the kingdom of God, until the time He was prosecuted and sentenced to death. He has sacrificed His life on earth for one reason, saving us. For me, surrendering is no easier than sacrificing. Proactively surrender means doing what we can with our maximum ability, and surrender the rest to Him who has all planned out, rather than passively waiting for signals and hoping that all will be provided with less work.

Over all the similarities I have stated above, there is one difference between them. While sacrifice goes downwards, the surrender goes upwards. Jesus Christ has sacrificed His life, as He’s a son of God, for us sinful humans. He willingly reached for us the helpless, instead sitting graciously on His seat. We look up to surrender our life, where we place our hopes and prayers, faith and fears, happy and tears.

Jesus extends His grace, as He sacrificed His life for us, we reach out for His hands, as we surrender all our life to Him.

Mengalami.

Untuk mengalami, atau sebuah pengalaman

Untuk memberi, atau menahan

Untuk mengisi hidup, atau menghitung hari

Untuk tetap setia, atau tetap mencari.

Pengalaman bukan mengalami

Takkan berarti, terus meminta tanpa memberi

Bukan pengalaman hidup yang utama

Tapi mengalami hidup lebih nyata.

Memberi dan menerima, keseimbangan

Mencinta dan dicinta, kebahagiaan

Semua yang kau terima, diberkati

Semua yang kau beri, memberkati.

Terima kasih hidup, atas kesempatannya

Mengalamimu lebih dalam

Terima kasih hidup, atas pencobaannya

Menggumulimu lebih lebam.

Filosofi dan Logika

Jalan hidupku yang membawa arah, ke manapun ia melangkah, aku diam pasrah. Akulah yang menjalani lika-likunya, dan sudah seharusnya ia yang mengikut, dan bukan bertanya. Hidupku bukan hidupmu, jadi cukuplah simpan prakatamu, sebelum semuanya jadi semu, dan hidupku jadi hidupmu. Aku tak mau! Apa yang telah kuraih, dengan tangan yang selalu menggapai, takkan pernah cukup memenuhi ego yang membuatku lunglai. Sekencang apa aku berlari? Secepat itukah aku mengejar, apa? Diriku sendiri?

Langkahku yang semula cepat, tiba-tiba bergetar hebat. Entah apa yang membuatku melambat, apakah hujan badai, apakah hujan deras, ataukah hanya gerimis lebat? Aku terkesiap. Seperti berlari sendirian di lintasan balap, putaran demi putaran kulahap, dengan langkah kaki yang semakin berderap. Bayanganku mengejar semakin cepat saja, padahal di putaran sebelumnya aku cukup berjalan manja. Begitukah putaran kehidupan? Akan semakin cepat dan memusingkan, hingga tidak ada lagi asa untuk bahkan melangkah pelan.

Sudah sewajarnya tujuanku terkuak jelas, semua yang bisa dan tidak bisa kuraih, harus bisa kupilih dengan bebas dan tegas. Tapi kenyataannya? Semua masih samar, buram hampir tak berbentuk, dan jalannya belum tentu benar. Sedikit mencuat harapan masa depan, dengan probabilitas yang tidak bisa dibilang bukan, tidak juga bisa dibenarkan. Langkah demi langkah kulihat bayanganku akan selalu lebih jauh di depan, menggenggam sedikit semangat terus belajar. Oh, aku harus terus mengejar!

“Aku mau melakukan sesuatu untuk satu alasan!”, pikirku di awal perjalanan. Satu alasan yang paling konkret dan sekaligus paling klise adalah ‘menjadi bahagia’. Bagaimana mendefinisikan bahagia? Di saat semua yang aku lakukan membuatku gila? Oh, dengan menyelesaikannya segera. Aku menyelesaikannya segera, dengan harapan jadi bahagia. Perlahan, aku mulai paham artinya, ‘kebahagiaan yang kudapat dari selesai segera dan selesai bermakna adalah sama’. Aku mulai tenggelam dalam kebahagiaan yang lama-lama punya nama. Namanya bukan bahagia.

Di saat filosofi datang menyapu semua logikaku, sekejap ototku kaku, lidahku kelu. Seperti dihantam badai topan, aku terpaku. Ingin rasanya ikut lari bersama yang lain, tapi apa arahnya sama, atau sama sekali lain? Kekakuan ini membuatku jatuh tersungkur, tersapu sisa-sisa badai yang telah gugur. Aku masih hidup, dan hari ini membuatku berpikir sejenak, apa yang membuatku redup? Apakah aku terlalu bahagia? Atau karena “bahagia” ini aku jadi menderita? Entahlah. Aku yakin.

Satu alasan itu tiba-tiba jadi jelas, seperti kamu tersenyum di balik beningnya gelas. Aku hanya ingin segera, dan bukannya bermakna. Itulah mengapa! Kesegeraan membunuh makna. Aku belajar banyak menyelesaikan masalah dengan segera, dan itu meletupkan kebahagiaan semu yang sama sekali berbeda. Menjadi bermakna bukan berarti selalu sama, bisa saja berbeda, namun tetap seirama. Aku yakin, untuk saat ini, itu yang akan kucari.

Thank You 2015!

Hello. Everyone should be happy about today. As we enter the end of 2015. For me personally, this year has been great so far (knowing there are still 1 hour left), and life has turned to many directions. And this is what I’ve been following this far, so let’s review what God has led me in 2015.

I’ll begin with the most important area of my life, and that would be my relationship with God. 2015 has led me through many things, and what surprised me the most, is what God has been doing along 2015. I am really grateful for the opportunity, to grow deeper in relationship with Him, experience Him more and more through DATE, Hillsong Conference, and in my daily life afterwards, when I started to be more sensitive. I am really grateful to be baptized this year, since it’s the most important decision I’ve made this far of my life, and I had no regret at all. It’s like everything had been thoroughly planned. In relation to my 2015 resolution, I am really grateful to be disciplined in titheing, and I hadn’t miss one single month this year! I really pray this to continue.

Secondly, I am really grateful for my family. It’s really mesmerizing to see what God has done to my family. Say, my sister got a scholarship in NTU, something we never thought before, studying abroad seemed so far from our priority list. And somehow He gave us this. My father, after endured many months jobless, now finally He’s been given many projects, and we hope for more in the future. My mother, she had lived with burdens, since my sister left to Singapore and with family issues has been going on, and now I’m grateful that she can loose up a little and laugh more now. And myself, hmm.. I got promoted at the office, something I didn’t think about much, but I’m trying to be grateful for that. Yes, I’m grateful for that!

Then, 2015 has been quite harsh on romance. I am still single. I love being single, but sometimes…. It’s not really that lovely. I’ve endured several heartbreaks, let’s not talk about that. I learned a lot, that being realistic is a game everyone plays right now. So, never think on being idealistic, or fantasizing on your romantic life. Let’s try to be grateful right now, since today is about stating gratefulness. I am grateful for lessons learned, since every rejections lead me to new directions, and I’ve learned a lot about being secure instead of being eaten up by insecurities. And 2016, I look forward to new directions, hopefully that one direction.

I’ve been working at EY for 2 years now, going 3. I feel like my motivations going down every morning. Since informed about the WHV program in Aussie, I think my focus has shifted a little more each day. I know it happened to affect my performance at work, but still, I think about it no less. This year has been very bloodspattering on overtime, to be specific. With that same shitty client, the cancelled IPO, and the Bonds offering project on June. Then again, I’m trying to be grateful here, for supportive team members, very understanding managers, and the lessons learned this year. I think my heart gets bigger and bigger every year here.

To sum up, I’ve reviewed all ups and downs happened in 2015, and I’m very grateful to be able to endure another year, getting more mature in life, and what are priceless? The lessons I learned along. Thank you 2015!

Memilih atau Dipilih?

“Life is about choices you make.” Mereka menyapaku ramah setiap kali datang, dan tersenyum sopan setiap kali aku pergi. Konsep datang-pergi inilah yang paling membingungkan, mengapa mereka menyapa waktu datang dan tersenyum waktu pergi? Bukankah seharusnya mereka menangis waktu aku pergi? Aku baru berbelanja di supermarket.

“Life is about choices you make.”, belum juga habis lamunanku. Berkali-kali aku datang, sesering itulah mereka akan tersenyum. Mengapa aku memilih memilih pergi, dan bukannya tinggal? Oh, aku memilih bebas. Bebas datang dan bebas pergi. Itulah yang aku tahu tentang kebebasan, dan selalu kuperjuangkan. Mengapa harus bertahan saat semua buruk? Mengapa harus pergi saat semua baik? Aku menelponnya.

“Life is about choices you make.”, suaranya manis di seberang sana. Aku ingin bebas datang dan pergi. Tanpa kusadari, tiada datang kembali setelah pergi. Klik, kututup teleponnya. Aku menangis.

“Life is about choices you make.”, sekarang aku sadar mengapa harus bertahan saat semua buruk. Terlalu sering buruk yang kuhindari, bukan baik juga yang kuhampiri. Bayangkan dirimu ada di depan dua tungku yang menyala, di sebelah kananmu nasi goreng, di sebelah kirimu, telur mata sapi. “Aku mau nasi goreng pakai telur mata sapi!”, pikirku. Hari itu berakhir dengan nasi goreng yang gosong dan telur mata sapi yang lebih mirip serabi.

“Life is about choices you make.”, tanpa sadar aku termenung cukup lama. Aku banyak belajar dari nasi dan telur yang gosong, bahwa tidak ada yang lebih kosong daripada tidak tahu sama sekali ke mana hidup ini harus diboyong. I choose not to choose, kumatikan semua tungku lalu berdiri diam menghadapi dua  lempengan besi yang menunggu disambar api. Bebas, memilih, datang, pergi, tinggal, pulang. Pikiran itu berkecamuk bersama bayangannya yang kadang hinggap seperti nyamuk. Tidak mau pergi.

“Life is about choices you make.”, ia mengetuk pintu. Ia membawa kompor satu tungku, sepiring nasi putih, dan sebutir telur. Aku tersenyum.

Kebebasan tidak melulu datang bersama pilihan, kadang ia datang sendiri, memilihmu.