The Suffering Self and The Desires of Our Hearts : What It Takes to Give Ourselves Up and Getting It Back

 “What makes you, you?” That’s the question I come across tonight, in the eve of the New Year’s Eve. Considering the passing year have been passionately instilling wisdom in us, I find the above question relevant. I vividly remember at the start of 2020, “This is our year,” we all said. To have it taken away from our sights must be in a way shaping us to be the way we are today, tonight, in the eve of the New Year’s Eve. The more I think about the posed question, the more it makes me wonder. Is it the accumulation of our fulfilled wants and needs, that made us who we are? Or is it our heart’s desire we gave up along the way, the ones we learn. It is either we win or we learn, right?

Or, if we’re able to be completely frank to ourselves, this could be the year we suffer the most. The way economy slows down, striking number of failing businesses, companies laid off their employees, so on and so forth. Again, putting asides the positives 2020 has brought in, don’t we all just want to scream and shout and swear and cuss? Alright, you done? 

This year, due to the pandemic and the WFH scheme imposed, I got myself more time to read things I never thought myself reading, like Philosophy, for instance. With the help of Crash Course Philosophy on YouTube, I enrolled myself into lectures and features, and even took up further reading of the references. One of the things that captivated my mind was the Philosophy of God. It wasn’t the argument of existence that bothered me, it’s the problem of Evil. To put it simply, the arguments revolved mostly on why God allow evil to exist if God is truly good (Omni-God)? My wandering mind didn’t just stop there, I started looking up on references and more counterarguments, then I found out about theodicies.

What is a theodicy? It’s an attempt to show that the existence of Evil doesn’t rule out the existence of God. One of the most important theodicies in history must be Aquinas’, he proposed that all goodness in the world must exist perfectly in God, and that, existing perfectly, God must be perfectly good. He concluded that there is no Evil in God. Now, the more I read the more I dug my own hole in misery. The question that blew me is this, “If God knows what’s best, why would you want to change His mind?” Here I was thinking about prayers. Why should we bother ourselves to pray, when God already knows the past, present, and the future?

Eleonore Stump is a Professor of Philosophy at Saint Louis University specialized in the school of Thomism; the school of thought arose as a legacy to Thomas Aquinas. In one of her books, Prof. Stump describes the meaning of suffering. There are two major causes of suffering, one is being kept from flourishing, and the other is losing one heart’s desire. For right now, let’s just focus on the second cause, the losing of heart’s desire. Without being too referential, I try to define the desires as hopes, wants, and aspirations. In what way, losing the desires of our heart be our problem when God already know what’s best? Doesn’t God answer prayers?

The most common way out of the problem is to give up our wants altogether. Try not wanting things. And at first, I was allured to think that way, because that’s the way it is in other religion. Anatta, along with Dukkha and Anicca, makes up the three marks of existence in Buddhism. The concept of non-self and not desiring things to avoid pain, suffering, and anguish. Again, it’s consistent with the mind-blowing question. Let God decide what’s best, who are we to change His mind? For months I battled myself on that thought. It will save us from trouble, by letting God making decisions, letting Him decide for us, and for some time I thought that’s the only way to align my will to His.

Just last week, I was faced to another mind-boggling question from my reading, “Is having no-self enabling us to align my will to His, or am I just saving myself from heartbreak when I find out that His will is the one that be done?” Phew. The question itself brought me down to my knees, even without knowing the answer. In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus said to take up our cross daily and deny ourselves. Then, how do we do that when we have no-self at all? Whose cross we take up? When I thought by having no-self is the way, the Word itself hit me up. Then I set myself on further exploration on the concept of heart’s desire.

If it helps visually, let’s try to see a desire as an interweaving of craves and aspirations forming a web. Some are peripheral desires, and some are life-changing central to each one of us. When the peripheries are ignored, we still hold on true to the essential ones. What if, the ones we hold dearly are the ones taken away? Will the web still hold? I think that’s the case of how losing the heart’s desire can do to afflict us. Then, what if we relieve ourselves from having desires, knowing that having our web crushed before us offers no help at all?

Theodicies offer some explanation on the fulfillment of desires. While Aquinas’ theodicy focuses on relativizing suffering to the small period of our earthly life to the hope for a redeeming benefit in the afterlife. For us Christians, believing in faith on what the afterlife has to offer redeems all earthly suffering. While it’s considered faithful to give up our earthly desires to make way for the redemption, there are some addition to it. It’s from Prof. Stump.

There are two ways, she proposed, on the fulfillment of heart’s desire. First, she proposed that desires are subjective, and we should construct a scale of their subjective values, and difference in subjective value will have impact on the fulfillment of desires. It’s based on the idea that if, the original form of desire is unfulfilled, it will be in an altered form. A reshaped form can be higher in subjective value than the original form. So, the grief over the loss of the original form of desire will be redeemed fully, by the satisfaction of the more valuable form. As much as it brings hope, that what our wants will eventually fulfilled, somehow in the form of ‘what we need’, there’s still giving up involved. Heartbreaks are still intact; no matter how tidy we wrap it up.

So, what’s the second part that doesn’t involve giving up? I want to know! In the second point, she begins with Augustinian view that there’s a connection between other desires of the heart and the innate deepest heart’s desire for God and shared union with God. If we can use this point to rephrase the first one, it will be like this, “So, the grief over the loss of the original form of desire will be redeemed fully, by having what we most deeply want (union with God) or the ability to wait in faith.” In this point, we shift our focus from wondering about the fulfillment of our heart’s desire to what we hold the most dearly, the ultimate desire. Now it seems a less more important to have attained desire, as long as we have the deepest heart’s desire close. When the shared union with God is the first and foremost, all the other heart’s desire will be considered as gifts. Heartbreaks escaped.

We have reached an understanding on whether we should have desires or not, and what kind of them we should have. Let’s wrap this up before it gets too spiraling off-track. I think that having desires is unavoidable, however hard we try to abstain ourselves from it. To have the wills of our own, we open ourselves to grief and frustration when there’s a mighty risk of dissatisfaction. But, to be vulnerable itself is a quality. Because, when we hold our heart’s desire while keeping our eyes on the innate deepest desire of the union with God, we open ourselves to vulnerability. Jesus opens himself to be vulnerable several times, He is God and is human as well. In Luke 22:42, when Jesus was praying on the mount of Olives, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” He wasn’t on the position of no-self, he asked to be redeemed, yet He opens Himself up to be vulnerable, still putting the Father’s will first.

Recognizing God’s will is not through apathy, but a constant readiness to always prefer God’s will when it’s not compatible with ours. The key isn’t in having no-self, but to have yourselves with the readiness to deny it every now and then. That’s how we take up our cross daily, by denying ourselves.

Happy New Year 2021.

Small Victories: On Bitter Endings and Sweet Beginnings

 Christmas.

It’s the day of the year where Christians all around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. The up-and-coming savior who would then die on the cross to save humanity from evil. We celebrate the coming with joy, with the careful expectations that the going will soon follow, the Passover. Starts and ends. If only we were careful enough to notice, the pattern repeats everywhere, and there’s something about it that really stirred my mind.

It is in our nature that we love the beginning, and resent the ending. As newborns bring joy with unfulfilled potentials they carry into the world, we grieve for the death of loved ones, for unfulfilled potentials they failed to capitalize. In every beginning, hopes are shooting high and even the smallest token of promising gestures are somehow overstated. The notion of ‘what could’ve been’ have permeated in our judging minds, both for ourselves and for others. I could’ve been better but I wasn’t. He should’ve been more respectful to others, but he wasn’t. It’s the discrepancies between what we thought was achievable and what we actually realized in the end.

As I have noticed in the past years, nearing the end of the year, my mind shifted to a more reflective setting, weighing in achievements and transgressions of mine during the year. And if I am honest, hopelessness has been a familiar friend I invited over for Christmas for quite some years now. The idea of ‘finishing on a high’ I planned on every new year celebrations started to grow further apart. 

Now what was I missing here?

Should I set a bar lower than I used to?

Not necessarily. I realized something along the way. Set your goals as high as shooting stars, dream higher than you are after those countless shots of tequila, but at the same time, be mindful of the steps you take. Dissect your goals to a purpose, for fulfilling purposes are more satisfying than reaching the stars, and learn to celebrate even the smallest victories. Check your rearview mirror sometimes, to remind how far you’ve gone. Gratefulness is the way to go.

Now as we’re coming closer to the end of unprecedented 2020, the year like no years before. There may be some unfinished businesses, some unfulfilled potentials, or even some lost things. I know by heart that it’s easier said than done, but let’s try to reflect on what 2020 has allowed to happen, aside from what 2020 could’ve been. 

An Epicurean definition of a happy life is the one where we abstain from unnecessary desires and achieve inner tranquility by being content with simple things.

Let’s celebrate small victories, and let Him have His way.

Luke 1:38

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered.

“May your word to me be fulfilled.”

Then the angel left her.

The Lessons about Lessening Yourself

Should the condition of less inhibit us from doing more?

Should the more we have mean the less we feel?

Yet, less is more

Imagine how convincing the world will be,

as if we're hiking the mountain, going straight up,

where the more means more,

and in the less, means less.

But, what if the mountain we hike is circular,

in a way, we couldn't make sense,

for instance, how the hell is a mountain circular?

Us, trapped in endless motions of reaching,

achieving, accomplishing, succeeding,

failing, declining, lacking, in vain,

forever, doesn't sound right, eh?

Isn't it crazy,

how people in the condition of more, wanting less

so they can learn how to do more with less?

Where people with less dreaming about having more,

only to be dumbfounded that they can't do more,

I think,

they are wise.

COVID-19 Stir-ups, and How We Best Digest the Chaos: Nietzsche's Account on Truth and Our Need to Believe

The world is currently navigating through unfamiliar seas heading to nowhere lands. It’s been many years since we were faced with a stir-up this size (namely a pandemic), and no matter how resourceful and well-off our country is, we are never prepared. We are now facing unprecedented procedures in anything. Knowing that the coronavirus spread through the droplets of our mouth and nose, this affects how we conduct our social activities. Of all the effects this coronavirus had on the world, I assume the social effect is the most fatal. It questions our identity as a social animal, disrupting our habit of socializing, regardless of your social status or level. We always thought we were born ready, but just not for this one.

We were always safely connected and, in some way, heavily guarded when it comes to our social life. We can always go visit our friends and relatives whenever we feel like it, get involved physically with people, visit our favorite cafés or bars, or go shopping or for just the window. Our perception of socializing has been shaped, tried, and tested for years, that we could well-handedly deal with rejection, light loneliness, or even be content being with ourselves. Just as every break-in wreck the current form and leave some areas unwatched, imagine how a break-in this caliber is capable of doing to our conception of social life.

All chaos must be brought to order. That’s the simplest way to explain how to resolve every issue possible. Picture it this way, our messy bedroom is full of chaos, and organized one is an order. Chaos promotes problems, and order resolves one. Stirred-up life is chaos, and a well-ordered one is all we want. Then we wonder, what could shut up chaos, and what would speak for the order?

We would think, the invention of vaccines is the only answer. Some might think, and some already said that the answer lies in our ability to live ‘in peace’ with the coronavirus. New normal, they said. I noticed that there must be more than just those two competing arguments there, while the rational aim for taming the raging waves, the others create their own waves with their own arguments. See how a void can transform into a black hole in just months? Now, it’s all ours to discern them one by one, to pick which ones we would believe, because all we needed is something to believe in, eh?

Nietzsche has thought about these issues hundreds of years ago. Not that he has predicted the emergence of this virus (No, he didn’t know who makes this virus for a lethal purpose like you have heard somewhere), nor has the answers to these issues. What he has known for a long time is, how we, as a human being, are in dire need of something to believe. He knows, that our will (or being) is always in chaos, and need something to bring it to order. As in one of the paragraphs of his collection of aphorisms The Gay Science (GS), he said;

“The very fact that our actions, thoughts, feelings and motions come within the range of our consciousness - at least a part of them - is the result of a terrible, prolonged "must" ruling man’s destiny: as the most endangered animal he needed help and protection; he needed his fellows, he was obliged to express his distress, he had to know how to make himself understood - and for all this he needed "consciousness" first of all: he had to "know" himself what he lacked, to "know" how he felt, and to "know" what he thought.” (GS 354)

What he accounts as ‘consciousness’ is basically our knowledge, of things, of ourselves, or of whatever helps us communicate our needs to others, or as he writes ‘to make himself understood.’ And in my personal opinion, he’s not only talking about something grandeur but also about something peripheral to our daily lives. Consciousness/knowledge is something to be carefully maintained and regularly updated, think it to be like something we deeply loved, our vehicle maybe, that needs to be washed and polished regularly to maintain its shine. In that way, we need to maintain the sharpness and finesses or our consciousness, or knowledge, up-to-date.

Now that we’ve understood the concept of consciousness/knowledge as a basis to integrate ourselves (keep ourselves from chaos,) let’s talk about the source of them. Inside or outside. In this essay, let’s turn our focus on only the outside source. We normally gain knowledge from the process of consuming and digesting information. Let’s imagine this case by going to the shopping centers (hypothetically, we’re still physical distancing), where we could find numerous stores offering different things. Now, go back to the last point where Nietzsche said that consciousness/knowledge always comes from necessity. What do you need from shopping centers?

Let’s refer back to our discussion about the coronavirus which has created a stir-up so enormous we couldn’t see clearly any more what it is we exactly need, and we scaled down our need to whatever comforts our mind. And it is what we need! In general, we need to be comforted, be secured with our lives and the future, don’t we? This is what Nietzsche opposes, as he called it the ‘sabbath of the sabbath’, or if freely translated, ‘the final truth.’ Of course, we’re not talking about anything final here, but you see his point here, don’t you? We need the kind of consciousness/knowledge that comforts us. In what way? I guess everyone’s different.

Even before this pandemic, there is already a gap between ‘what we know’ and ‘what we want to know,’ that creates a tension that we manage daily with ‘managing expectations’ strategy. We’re used to this term and adapting to it. We have limits, and what the pandemic does, it expands those limits until we’re helpless and succumbs in desperation. That creates the perfect window for the bombardments of information to sneak in and err us. What we need is strategies, different ones from merely managing expectations, because sadly, now it’s too blurred to expect. What are those strategies, and how we could finely tune ourselves into it?

Of course, these strategies are nowhere near practical, because learning to face reality with practical things never works. Instead, we’re going to see how we should approach various types of ‘consciousness/knowledge’ the world has to offer. As Nietzsche puts it;

“No, we have got disgusted with this bad taste, this will to truth, to "truth at all costs," this youthful madness in the love of truth : we are now too experienced, too serious, too joyful, too singed, too profound for that... We no longer believe that truth remains truth when the veil is withdrawn from it: we have lived long enough to believe this. At present we regard it as a matter of propriety not to be anxious either to see everything naked, or to be present at everything, or to understand and "know" everything.” (GS 4)

There are three degrees – according to Nietzsche – to knowledge, as commented by A. Setyo Wibowo in his book Gaya Filsafat Nietzsche, the first one is ‘veiled-truth,’ a deception, which leads us into the second phase, the dissatisfaction of what we already know, the realization of a veil covering the truth, encouraging us to try to uncover it, which we never will, or even if we will, it won’t be the truth anymore.

Nietzsche thinks that the truth will never be uncovered because it’s too chaotic, and when it’s finally uncovered, it’s not the truth anymore, Idee fixe (fixed idea, an idea that dominates one’s mind especially for a prolonged period: obsession.) The revelation of the truth is a two-edged sword for Nietzsche, one brings light to one side, the other disguises the other. How then, and what then, should we do to REALLY uncover the truth? Nietzsche’s philosophy is never about finding the truth, instead, he offers ways to stand face-to-face with the truth, and how we shall conduct ourselves before the truth. Further, he puts it;

“’Is it true that the good God is everywhere present?’ asked a little girl of her mother: "I think that is indecent": a hint to philosophers! One should have more reverence for the shame-facedness with which nature has concealed herself behind enigmas and motley uncertainties. Perhaps truth is a woman who has reasons for not showing her reasons?” (GS 4)

What he offers us to do is to show some reverence to it, ‘perhaps the truth is a woman who has reasons for not showing her reasons.’ For Nietzsche, to be able to talk properly about the truth, we must first acknowledge the contradicting nature of the truth itself, the chaotic side of the truth, and never arrive to a shallow conclusion. Nietzsche believes that we, as a human being, will never arrive at the ‘final truth,’ and realizing that, for him, is already a quality.

Wrapping up, in an unprecedented period as these, it’s hard for us both economically, socially, and philosophically. As what we already know is going under a huge test, it’s normal that we feel uneasy, stressed out, or even losing our way. I guess, what Nietzsche is saying in the excerpts above, specifically about reverence, is to take every information with a grain of salt and always position ourselves in the questioning side before believing. In the end, all we needed is something to believe in, eh?

Understanding the principle of everything.

Our understanding of anything is built through constant reasoning of things we encountered. We never thought about taking up a certain job for a living, but when situations hit the fan, it suddenly became a sensible decision. Our ability to make sense of anything is what makes us human. Even for really bad things we excused ourselves from when we gave them time, it could become fairly acceptable.

For centuries, people have spent countless resources to try to understand these kinds of processes. Philosophers and theorists have all come with their own version of 'thinking' to separate good things from bad, to understand moralities and immoralities, to perceive realities and to learn perpetually. What hits me hard when thinking about this, is sometimes we stop ourselves on the wrong step of the whole process. We came too early with conclusions, denying facts and information worthy of analysis.

Our understanding of right or wrong should be firm enough to keep ourselves from stumbling, and flexible enough to understand others. Does it sound like applying a double standard? Maybe. When we try to approach it from a different angle, we'll find ourselves some steps wiser. No one would like to apply a double standard, of course, it's not advisable. But, awareness not to force our standard on others is another trait to learn, right?

We understand things by dissecting them into separate sections, making sense of them individually, and then reconstruct them completely into one while we analyze the connections between each section. The whole thing might be the same, but when it comes to dissecting reconstructing, it may differ one from another.

For example, we all want to be loved, and we all have our own love languages (Google and test yourself). When it comes to our relationship with others, it might not come out simply the way we expected. People around us would need to understand ourselves fully to know how to treat us right. If we're treated wrongly, it doesn't always mean that people want to harm us in any way, maybe they just don't understand us well enough.

What we need to do, instead of rushing into the conclusion, is to try to analyze the situations better. Keeping a positive mind may help, but the most important is to try to extract what motivated people in doing things. We may think 'good' as A, which contains combinations of A1, A2, A3, and so on. Others may also understand A as their target, but the combinations may be different. If we try to judge only from the combinations, without putting the motivation in check, we are senseless and downright unwise.

There are motivations and there are principles. Ideally, our deeds, motivation, and principle are in line. Deeds are relative, so are motivations, but principles are firm. There are some key takeaways I would like you to understand here:

1. Hold yourself from anger. Try to listen to what others have to say when the combinations they perform don't go exactly as you've planned. You're not all-knowing, so are others.
2. Explain things backwardly. Instead of laying down instructions, try to build awareness of the Principle. That way, your explanations would not sound like orders.

Hope this helps.

The Plural Nature of Perfections - On Choosing Condiments Wisely

Howard Moskowitz is an American market researcher. He was appointed by Campbell’s to help their struggling brand of spaghetti sauce, Prego. Instead of sitting with focus groups to try to understand what people wants in their spaghetti sauce, Moskowitz prepared forty-five varieties of spaghetti sauces, all varied in their tasting characteristics; spiciness, saltiness, sweetness, aroma, and many more aspects his mind could think of. He sat down trained food tasters to analyze each one of the sauces, and took the prototypes on a tour to New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Jacksonville, and asked people to eat bowls of spaghetti and rate them on a scale of one to a hundred.

As a result of the taste-trial, Moskowitz found that people have different definition of how “perfect spaghetti sauce” should taste like. Later on, He clustered the findings into three major groups, plain, spicy, and extra-chunky. Prego doesn’t have the extra-chunky version of their spaghetti sauce, and thanks to Moskowitz’s research, they launched Prego extra-chunky. The effect was extraordinary.

Ramen stalls have selections of condiments on the table. Soy sauce, chopped chilies, sliced onions, salt and peppers, and various aromatics are available within our reach. Most sellers now offer customization on their menu books, hardness of the noodle, doneness of boiled egg, thickness of the broth, even the portions. They try to cater everyone, with the assumptions that what’s perfect for one may not be for others. Moskowitz changed the world of consumers’ behavior research with his conclusion.

According to Cambridge Dictionary, condiments are substances, that you add to food to improve its taste. Condiments are irreplaceable in all restaurants, because however customized the menu books are, still, people has needs to personalize the dish to their own perfection. Condiments should be improving, not worsening the taste. If our soup turned out to be too salty, try better next time. Measuring how many pinches of salt necessary should be our life purpose from now on.

We are all created differently with others. Some have little undercooked noodles they get angry very easily, some have really thick curry-like broth they dry up pretty fast, and so forth. Did we ask how we are customized from the beginning? I don’t think so. Our physical features are what describes how customized we are compared to others.

Of all the condiments we could pick up and apply to our ramen bowl, one of the most important to base everything is our discretion (how many pinches of salt) relative to the bowl we have. Choosing condiments requires maturity, a teachable and humble heart, and a set of open eyes, of course.

Rooted to the fact that we are a learning being. There are four stages of competence as described by Martin M. Broadwell, a management trainer and an author, which relate to the psychological state involved in the process of acquiring skills. The four stages are;

1. Unconscious incompetence

As learners, we are demanded to recognize our deficit, and to admit that we have no idea how to do something. This stage is crucial because the battle against denial happens here, and if we are not careful, the unresolved battle will be carried on to the next stage, which;

2. Conscious incompetence

Once we admit our deficit and start to value the skills needed to cover our deficiencies, we can gather our focus and determination to learn and move on to the next stage;

3. Conscious competence

Through series of learning and failing, we finally reach the stage where we have acquired the skills needed to cover our deficit. In professional setting, reaching this stage is considered adequate, but in personal sphere, it’s better to continue on to the next and the last stage;

4. Unconscious competence

Reaching this stage in a professional world might work as a double-edged sword. Sure, we get to save a lot of time doing the work since it’s become our second nature and it’s easier to teach to colleagues and staff members. On the other edge, it might lead to complacency towards new methods and technologies. In personal horizon, it never hurts to exercise respect and forgiveness as second nature, doesn’t it?

I started collecting wristwatches since several months ago. I build my collection based on my taste and current financials. Funny thing, I went through those stages every time new pieces appeared in front of my very eyes. Of course, I only want the pieces I love to make my collections, so do other collectors.

We spend our time and resources chasing everything that we need or what we think we need. On the process, we go through failures, hardships, and we keep pushing through until we achieve that something. See those things as pieces making up your collection, some are vintage, vulnerable and sensitive, some are brand-new, could take a beater and very dependable. Are you happy enough with whatever you have in your collections?

The good traits we collected are like condiments we apply to our ramen. Choose them wisely and apply them considerably, season your bowl (and life) the best you know how to. Add some pinches of flair, ladles of relentless love, sprinkles of joy, and some splash of vulnerability. It doesn’t matter if others apply more salt or less soy sauce. Everyone strives for their own perfection at their own pace. 

Build confidence in uncertainty

The idea of being a polymath (one who excels in many subjects) has resonated so deeply in my mind this couple of years. It’s all started when I watched a TED video on YouTube hosted by Emilie Wapnick on the subject of “Why some of us don’t have one true calling.” The term she used was multipotentialites. I will break it down into several sections for us to really dive deep into her idea. 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

She started off by sharing how she had too many interests, where she struggled to find an answer to the above question. She began to find the pattern which she thought could explain the inconsistency. She used to be really interested and devoted on a subject, only to be left off out of boredom. This pattern had caused herself anxiety for two main reasons, first, how likely could she turn one of those interests into a career if she kept leaving when things get boring, and how she started to sense something wrong for being unable to stick with anything. 

We live in a society where everyone should only pursue one thing and be happy with their choice. It means we need to kill everything else for “The One”. For some it’s not easy, especially for us who are open to all possibilities. We want to do well for life, and at the same time, we still want to keep our options open. 

The idea of “one true calling” is highly applauded nowadays; somehow we put too much effort to define those phrases. If I could only choose one question to ask in order to try to understand kids, I would pick the question above, no doubt. Yet, that’s the question we get asked at almost every points of our life. Answering to that question might be easy in the beginning, just name any profession available and we’re good to go. As time goes by, we start to be pickier with our answers. Time shows its glorious power. When we chose one subject to study at Uni, we just killed hundreds of possibilities on what we could’ve been.

Multipotentialites superpowers

Then, she made peace with herself and found three so-called superpowers the people with many interests have. 

• Idea-synthesis

Mix of ideas and experiences came from the journey could be really resourceful in finding new roads people would never think about. Innovation happens at the intersections. Multipotentialites, with their ability to find the core of many subjects, could make that happen by combining two or more subjects into new ventures to pursue.

• Rapid-learning

The key of successful learning experience always starts from the point of not-knowing. From there we build our glossaries of knowledge page-by-page or failure-by-failure. Most people feel good with what they know and what they’re good at. They feel too good until it becomes a fear to learn something new, what we called “comfort-zone”. Multipotentialites have overcome those challenge by familiarize themselves in the learning position. They are used to be beginners, and when a subject sparks their interest, they go hard on learning and finding and researching. Also, the skills they learned when they were beginners before are easily transferable to the new subjects they are beginners now.

• Adaptability

The ability to fit ourselves into every situation is highly regarded as one of the most important skills to develop in order to succeed in the 21st century. Changes are inevitable, and how we pivot will measure ourselves up to thriving. Multipotentialites are known to be the best to adjust themselves because in order to have interest in many different subjects and to thrive at them, they need to be adaptive and constantly adjusting to situations.

Where are you now?

Let’s think about jigsaw puzzle. Of those thousands-of-pieces in a box, what is the probability of two pieces to match at the first draw if we draw two pieces from the pools? What is the probability of us finding the “one true calling” if all the pressure are on our shoulders picking the subject to study in Uni? How do we finish the jigsaw puzzle if we struggle in finding a match for the piece we hold? And if even we found the match for the piece, how those two-pieces-bound-together find a next piece to match to form the whole picture? What if the pool is incomplete? Where do we find the missing pieces?

It might be the case that the pool is incomplete, if those small pieces represented what we need to thrive in the world. We could have interests and motivations on hand, but missing skills, or we could have connections and skills, but missing confidence. What would you do if that’s the case? Would you just simply choose to not choosing, or would you jump into other pools where you could find what you need? It’s okay.

If we zoom-out on our vision a little bit, we start to see the big picture, and start realizing that in order to complete the jigsaw, we don’t need all matched pieces on hand to be transferred to the frame, but by putting one piece at a time diligently, and make sure we have room to adjust.

If you want to watch the talk, 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sZdcB6bjI8

There's nothing for nothing

I remember the time I tendered my resignation to my current employer. It was the day when the sun shone the brightest, and the setting sun saluted me on my way home. Truly, it was the best day I've ever had since I signed their offering letter. I still can recall that moment perfectly, word by word I said, with me smiling from ear to ear. That day, after a long and hard consideration, was the resolve of my problem of thinking about the purpose of my life. I always admire people who work in creating things, who can make impact towards the society they are in. Please, I wouldn't be angry if you said we can make impact in everything we do. There's no denying that in theory, but in practice I didn't really think so. My two cents.

I know many people who had fought a really good and fair fight, but still lost. I would easily tell them to quit, because it's the easy way out. You tried your best and you failed, that must be because that something wasn't for you. I used to feel sorry for them, they had given everything, fought until the end, worked the hardest, cried the least, or even bled out the most, but still managed to achieve nothing. It's a waste of time. If only we could be wise enough to pick out the right fights to fight, the right person to love, the right job to give ourselves into, or the commitment to commit into. Life would be easy, then.

We couldn't always choose our way with a perfect sanity, especially when someone/something presented itself in front of us, making it to be a perfect destiny to us. We were careless enough to take it on, wore it to our senses, or even dedicated ourselves into something seemed so clear, yet very vague. Was it our false beliefs in play? What would they produce, if not only to waste our time?

Something we were super sure about, to be something we regretted. It must took a long road of reasoning. We are the creatures of thinking, that's the part of our evolution. Thoughts evolve, for better or for worse. Descartes had done his part in explaining this to a good measure. We will have our own perceptions, our undisputed beliefs, for something we learned in our life. We would answer without doubt and without even think of it, that 1+1=2. Up to this point, I wouldn't say that 1+1=3, that would be the end of the world. That was the simplest case of math, everyone knows that, or at least everyone agrees on that. Descartes' methodical doubt requires us to always negate our thoughts, our convictions, and our knowledge in order to juice out the truest of convictions, knowledge, or truths.

We are the creatures of thinking, yet we ignored our contrasting thought for the easy way. We pulled ourselves out of thinking, hoping that everything would turn out alright eventually. When it didn't, we complained and had no one to blame but ourselves. We would think to ourselves that we did everything we did for nothing.

The road of reasoning might be uphill, and we might have already burst ourselves into scatters of nothingness before we found what's behind it. If you think you are in this position, well I think you're in the right place, just as I am here typing this for the exactly same reason, bursting out. 

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose."

Ecclesiastes 3:11

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

If I may be allowed to combine these two powerful verses, it would be;

"God works for the good of those who love Him, in His own time not ours, and we may not know what He's doing in our life."

We don't understand God's timing. God is good all the time and only because God is good and God is with us and love us all the time, our life therefore will be good.

We were all once burnt out in our journey, thinking that we wasted our time by doing the wrong kind of things, loving the wrong person, fighting for the wrong fights, which got us nowhere. We ignored that when we are the creatures of thinking, we are also the creatures of learning. We learn when we fail, and by the lessons we had learned, they changed our perspective towards things. 

Let's try to be resilient in our journey, for the journeys and everything they have to offer shape us as a person. Let's keep collecting pebbles of wisdom and truth to fuel us towards our destination.

Don't budge only because we make wrong choices, keep ourselves standing strong in faith that the best is yet to come, and there is nothing for nothing.

Chip in

When I was in Uni, photography had taken more than half of my life. The way I perceived it was very clear, I wanted photography to be part of my future. Passion comes with a price, just like every hobbies the world will know. The desire to buy new lenses, accessories, memory cards, bags, straps, and countless things under 'tech' section on web store, it knocked my door everyday.

I needed to distinguish which one I really need and which ones were only just happy pills. Then, I came into realization that I might need a new lens. And just like every other Uni students I knew, I started saving up, with THE goal in mind. I set my mind to it, and placed a deadline to it. I wanted to make the purchase at one of the annual photography expo, because I knew I could get good price there.

Then came the day of the expo. It was cheaper than I expected, but checked back to my savings, there's no way I could do that at that time. Burdened by the desire, I went to my dad and asked, "please chip in, I need only xx amount to make it." He did, and I made the purchase. I was happy, actually very happy.

How I went on with that, "I bought this myself saving up, yes my dad chipped in." Like it was the smallest thing someone's ever done to me. It struck me recently, how I responded to it and it left me ashamed. Really ashamed of myself.

It all comes down to how we value things. How we couldn't value small gifts/victories comes from our self-realization that we already own our game, ONLY need small things to perfect it. It doesn't only undermines people, but also God. We often try to understand Him however we like it. We ask him from our position that we already have something, and only need God to chip in. Then we would go on, "I did this on my own, yes God chipped in."

We will value what we are grateful for. We are not wired to value nothingness, it doesn't add up. Our value system were built on what we have, and if something adds up, then come in, if it subtracts, then go away.

We were confident in our strength, and when waves hit or lacks crept in, we started looking for solutions. We went to God. Then we started asking, "God please, I only need these amount, nothing more, I don't ask much".  It's not much, so we took it for granted. We undermined God to our standard, while He's all powerful and all knowing.

Ephesians 2:7‭-‬10 MSG

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

Dwell in His embrace. Celebrate small victories. Let Him be in the driver's seat, and enjoy the ride of gratitude like never before.

Impressions management, and how to see the truest of everyone

Definitions

According to Sinha (2009), "Impression management is an active self-presentation of a person aiming to enhance his image in the eyes of others" (p.104).

According to Newman (2009), impression management is an “act presenting a favorable public image of oneself so that others will form positive judgments” (p.184).

Our values, norms, and statuses are never given fully formed. We have to mold them into something we’re comfortable with.

Impression management is a fundamental and universal process that involves a number of influential factors. These factors are social, cultural and spiritual.

Social Implications

The use of impression management provides people with the necessary skills to create a custom and often falsified perception. This deceptively altered perception allows a person to construct a new, but not necessarily improved version of him or herself. This approach helps a person carefully craft relationships and by extension they have the ability to alter their position in the socialization process through impression management. The previous example illustrates how impression management can also have a number of negative implications, such as, deception and falsification of self.

According to Newman (2009), “Impression management can lead to the creation of damaged identities, which must be repaired in order to sustain social interactions” (p.183).

Newman (2009) expands on this notion, “Impression management is a tool most of us use to present ourselves as likable people” (p.183). The previous examples point to and imply that impression management has a solely negative impact on the people within society.

Cultural Implications

Americans spend hours in tanning beds and spend large sums of money on spray tanning and bronzing lotions. On the other end of the spectrum, Indonesians purchase whitening lotions, body soap, and facial scrubs. This example demonstrates the importance of impression management and the great lengths people go to in order to control how people perceive them.

Spiritual Implications

Today, more and more people are trying to prove that they are better and more spiritual than their neighbors. People can be so desperate to be accepted spiritually, that they are willing to create an alternate and more spiritual persona. This persona could eventually become who the person really is and aid in the process of becoming one with Christ. However, it could also be an elaborate charade intended to fool the “church people” in their lives. This method of self-presentation is not productive or even profitable in the end.

Who are you? The simple question which managed to make me wonder, not about the answer, because, you know, who don’t know themselves? Come on. What I wondered, was the certainty of the answer itself. Who are you really? If once I’m asked, I’d think a lot about how I should answer. Who am I at home, who am I in my friendship, and who am I in my DATE? Did I present myself well enough in front of the community I was in? Did I succeed to make them see me as I wanted to be seen?

Was it because the nagging feelings, that bothered us all the time, about not being who we are? Or was it the pleasure, to be able to deceive others about seeing us? We had many faces, for different purposes. We presented ourselves happy, to them who needed happiness. We presented ourselves encouraging, to them who needed encouragement, and so on. Did we deceive them? When we were happy, then we found our friend to be sad, would we stay happy?

Also, we were faced to the need to examine people around us. We needed to see if they were true, or just a fake. We needed to know who our alliances were. Frankly, not only ourselves, who wore a mask to come out to the world. They did too. Our values, norms, and statuses were never given fully formed. We had to mold them into something we’re comfortable with.

I have a Durian theory. When we saw a durian, what came first to mind? It’s very spiky; I didn’t want to touch it, or to eat it. We judged from the exterior, and that was when the impressions management was very useful. Imagine the durian could change itself into a strawberry. Even it seemed impossible; at least it managed to occupy our perception, and successfully bent our degree of understanding. Then, we dared ourselves to peel the skins, one side to another, hardly. We would be amazed to see what’s inside, when we initially judged the exterior to be unapproachable, and we found the inside was very soft.

I thought that, every masks we put on only means that we are a mask away from what God created us to be. He created us in His self-image, and then we bothered to present ourselves differently, just because we needed to get the recognition. We need to be secure with our self-image, without worrying how others would see us from the outside. Here’s how;

1. Love God, not love yourself
When loving ourselves seemed to be the most effective way to maintain our contentment, but the Bible says not to have confidence in ourselves, but only in Christ. It’s quite funny sometimes, to find that our self-denial could be the solution to our insecurity. It’s when we let ourselves fade into the background, and become consumed with Jesus Christ. (Luke 9:23).

“The Christian life can be explained only in terms of Jesus Christ, and if your life as a Christian can still be explained in terms of you – your personality, your willpower, your gift, your talent, your money, your courage, your scholarship, your dedication, your sacrifice, or your anything – then although you may have the Christian life, you are not yet living it.” – Ian Thomas

2. Beauty is not within us, it’s within God who gives it to us.
We often tried to be just ourselves, urged people to try to love us just the way we are. But then again, if we remember that our belonging are not belong to us, it’s only belong to Jesus Christ who gives to us, then we can try to speak of ourselves less, and speak about His love more (John 3:30).

We could only gain lasting security when we look away from ourselves, and toward Jesus Christ. Then the question of “Who are you?” and “Who am I?” will ultimately be answered by who He is.

How to struggle right

In this nowadays society, having something to struggle on and about may seem overwhelming and intimidating. We all strive for safe sail, calm wind and a little tide for our “calming noise” at bedtime. Tonight, I will share something which has been bothering my mind since the start of the week. So, let’s begin.

Imagine a scenario where there are 2 people agree to commit to each other, but they are way too far apart. They both are very sure about the future together, and decided to sail on within the miles. Commitment is a struggle for everyone. It’s both sweet and sometimes bitter. You need to double everything to make them add up for double the miles. For this scenario, I am proud to say that I am on the positive side, optimistically thinking if both sides don’t give up, the boat won’t sink.

In order for the boat not sinking, both sides should be actively (and passionately) working for it. In the scenario, I see both sides did that and will keep doing that. But, what comes to my mind is whether they actively and passionately are doing “something” just purely for survival, or for the right cause? I am in no position to judge and will never try to do that. It’s just a wild thought at night, sneaking in to my mind, which led me to ask the follow up question about how to know how to know how to struggle.

First off, knowing what you struggle about is king. It’s even better if you know already how to solve it. Wait, we are too fast jumping into conclusion of solving. Knowing why behind the what is essential for trying to struggle right.  Following up our scenario above, we are talking about core values, what they believe in, and the compromises. Are core values worthy to be struggled about? Yes, definitely. Why even struggling about something so deeply cored? I don’t know exactly, but pretty sure it’s about compromise. Should we struggle to compromise? It’s getting painful.

By having the right “why”, we could continue struggling with assurance that at least we got the reasons right, and we could be very sure that the right reasons won’t fail us instead. Sometimes, the word “struggling” and “suffering” overlap each other. “Struggle concerns hope in the midst of all kinds moral, societal, and personal uncertainties, whereas suffering identifies a certain despair and anguish, a lostness of the human condition. Struggle is a part of a learning process and as such it is both expected and honored. We witness one another’s struggles and find mutual respect in the process, aware that the end of struggle is a sense of personal achievement. Suffering, by contrast, seems simply to befall us as something to be endured without edification or aim.” Mona Siddiqui wrote on her lectures at The Gifford Lectures.

“I’m doing a great work; I can’t come down. Why should the work come to a standstill just so I can come down to see you?”

Assume we all have our right “whys” and ready to move on struggling. There will be many who will contradict us, be it for the right or wrong reasons. There will be countless of “are you sures” coming our way for our boldness and our conviction. Suddenly, if we give in to them, uncertainties will slowly seeps in and “the wall” we already built will be nothing compared to what others had built. Societies talk in large scale, and it’s not wrong. They won’t just give highlights to one who made only a few, just like the runner-up won’t be noticed on the awarding ceremony. We all want those measures, a big hit. Then we start to compare ourselves to them, and something once regarded “good enough” become “not bad” and worse “not enough”.

“for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”

We are good enough for what God has trusted us to do. We all are given desires, ambitions, and wants, and for generations the desire is the basis of human struggle. It requires constant and intimate relationship with God to ensure that the desires and wills won’t fail us instead into the pitfalls of suffering. It requires faith to start something great, to fuel us for the launch, but it requires different kind of faith to stay on something works in process.

Benefit of The Doubt

It’s completely okay when you don’t know something. You are not expected to know everything. If you do, it’s great, but if you don’t, it’s no worries. We have several ways to know things, by experience, by research and confirmation, or by hearsay. Of course, we could speak more informatively about things we have experienced. We could touch around things we have researched to find confirmation from someone who has more experience. Or maybe, we could spark a conversation by saying very specific words we heard only as hearsay.

It’s great when you know about things, especially the ones which spark conversations.  When people share the same interest towards same things, say hobbies, then the possibility to gain more friends is endless. But, things could get complicated when you think you know about something, when in reality you are just a clueless fuck. It’s about mastering the art of knowing but not knowing.

This applies on any kind of encounters. Naturally, human being likes to know things. For example, this happens to me every morning on my bike ride to work. Usually the driver would ask which way I preferred, and just after I told him the details, he would start murmuring with more complexity, sometimes I knew what he meant and most of the time I didn’t. What would you do if you’re in my position? A. You stick with the route you preferred and rode on every day, or, B. You take time to hear what he had to say, and even if it sounded ridiculous, you would try to reason politely. Which one?

There’s no right or wrong answer on question above. It’s mostly about two person are fighting for the position of power of KNOWING MORE. Does it matter to you if he looks you down because you don’t know as much as he does? If it does to you, well, please continue and fight harder for that. I personally think it’s wiser if you just humble yourself down, as long as your rights as a person are still well maintained. If it feels inferior to give that away, it’s okay then, just my two cents.

Knowing things is like climbing a swinging rope tied to a helicopter. The higher you get on the ropes, the clearer you could see of the facts. Everyone would start on the farthest ties on the ropes, where the swings are extreme and could tear us apart. Those swings of information could sometimes mislead us, and it all depends on our humility to keep learning and keep climbing the ropes, or bombard others with all the swings of information we know, just to look KNOWING. Choose wisely, my friend.

It’s all started with hearsay, which sparks the interest in us, leading to the follow up of the matter, doing our homework of research and confirmation, and when there’s opportunity, the experience itself will come to us. During every single step, our humility is tested by the encounters. It’s natural to humble down to people above us, in terms of everything, but it takes wisdom to keep the humility even to people below us, also in terms of everything.

The benefit of the doubt is to be given to others, not to be doubtfully abused.

Ouch, Don't Scratch the Itch

The main idea of these paragraphs comes from what my mom usually said when I or my sister got bug-bite on our skin. She would say, “Jangan digaruk!” which literally translated to “Don’t scratch!” We often ignored what she said and kept scratching our skin until the redness from the itch turned into a scar and bled from it, and that happened more than twice, certainly said. What was wrong with scratching our bug-bitten skin? It’s the most effective way to get rid of the itchy feeling, and probably that’s the only way, wasn’t it?

Well, it took me years to realize what my mom said had much deeper truth than what it sounded like. It’s not just because she didn’t want our skin to be smudged, nor had she believed highly in essential oils. Scratching our skin is temporary, and rubbing our skin with essential oils is eternal. Confusing enough? Let’s get deeper into this.

We all need something bigger or stronger to precede our situation. In above case, we need something to overcome the itchy feeling. By scratching our skin, we fulfilled the need of something stronger, pain precedes itch. Let’s try something out here; I want you to scratch your skin, do it gently for a minute. What do you feel? Scratchy? I am pretty sure you scratch in a much lower intensity compared to how you scratch your itchy skin. Why did we feel good by scratching itchy skin? Because by scratching the itchy skin, we introduced pain into our sense, and pain is strong, way much stronger than what itches could do. We always need something bigger than what we had to have it overcome.

Everything has a scale to measure itself. Itches could be mild or severe, so is pain. Mild itches could be overcome by only mild pain; severe itches need severe pain, and so on. Once itches had been overcome by pain, what do you think will remain?

I think by now we all have understood the context. Itches are our life situation, and we have to choose which way to go for a solution. Are we going for something temporary, or something eternal? And I am sure by now we all agree to not scratching itchy skin, instead we’re going to ask Mom for essential oil. Essential oils for the win!

Yet, one rub of essential oils wouldn’t make any difference. It required commitment, to rub frequently for three days or even a week. Commitment builds good habit, and good habit will be a good foundation of better life (and it could be your long-searched solution as well).

Colossians 3:2 - “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

Set your minds on things that are eternal, not on something temporary. Temporary things seem more practical and more hands-on, compared to eternal things which seem small and ineffective at times. The Apostle Paul knows exactly what we would think of it, and on different occasion, he said:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 – “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Another highlight he put on fixing/setting our minds to something above/eternal, now with further explanation to it. What he refers to “light and momentary troubles”, we might refer that to our situation, which might be nowhere near “light and momentary”. Do we believe that our situation could achieve us an eternal glory? He’s stressing about what foundation our life is built upon based on what we focus on.

Life is uncertain. Problems come and go. There’s a beautiful words in Japanese, “Mono no aware” which means “the bittersweet poignancy of things.” It boils down to our point of view of different things, as life changes and problems coming and resolving. It’s all about how strong our foundation and our commitment, which will achieve us eternal glory.

The Melbourne in Us

It is almost midnight here in Kew, the suburban area of Melbourne, Australia. As I am typing this, I am thinking about going home, which is going to happen very soon. At the same time, the feeling of leaving Melbourne haunts me all the time. The closer I am getting to departure, the more clouds are coming my way, promising rain as I am pretty sure they will leave eventually.

I can start recollecting now, from the first day until now, and I can predict quite accurately what is going to happen on the last day. I came here on August last year, which was the start of spring, and right now is winter. The changing of the seasons, the things they brought and they left, and how people adjust their life based on the current season.

The spring comes with the hope, as the flowers and trees spring, and leaves in beautiful fashion. The summer comes with excitement, trying to exceed the one spring left. Is summer even capable of doing that? Before we can even think about the answer to that, the fall comes along with thundering answer we didn’t even think of. Then, the winter does. We are deeply fucked.

I start to think, with the uncertainty Melbourne weather has to offer, how people still be able to compensate the storm after sunshine all day, and the other way around? It is not predictable in any way, yet nobody complains about that. Amazing, isn’t it?

We never know what the future holds, will it be rainy tomorrow? Should I bring my sunnies or umbrella? I am not going to bring both, how insecure am I that people would know my inside without me letting them in. Also I don’t want to be weighed down with something I wouldn’t use. Wait, what time is it? Fuck, I’m late.

Well, am I good? Am I bad? Am I in the good side of bad or bad side of good? We keep asking without even knowing the answer. Well, I am good, no doubt about that. Am I really? Well, I’m going to bring my sunnies out. Oh, will it rain today?

It is the uncertainty keeps us alive, keeps us who we are. It is the Melbourne in us.

Bittersweet is us.

Kew, Victoria

Twenty-eighth of July 2017.

11.23PM

Share the Seeds

People don’t share the seeds, they always share the fruits.

People try to figure out life for themselves, then if they manage to succeed, then maybe they’ll share.

What’s the meaning of life? Don’t they know?

Salute to people brave enough to include others in their search.

For the sake of life itself, it’s never about you alone, it’s about us society.

Shape up or be shaped? Be influenced or to influence?

People watching from around the world, asking you questions, like you got it all figured out.

What’s the meaning of life? But you’re only 20. You don’t know shit.

You don’t. You’re still in the search.

You have the seeds, find the best soil to plant, and grow tall.

The taller you are, the stronger the wind will be.

The more happiness you share, the more questions you get,

What’s the meaning of life? And you’re only 20. You do know shit.

Or at least you know how to share.

You know how to share the seeds.

O ye of little faith!

What’s not to worry? Out of all things on earth, there’s not even one thing liberated from uncertainty. Whether the traffic will be bad, the sun will hide, your partner cheated, you mess up at work, your boss messes up, your ex will call, and the list goes on. Are we wrong for being uncertain? There are always two sides of a coin. Toss a coin and you will understand, how uncertain is it for us to say “Head”, while the coin still floats in the air. We used to hold breath, probably thinking of all possibilities while our eyes locked to the flying coin. Uncertainty holds us to be doubtful.

We spend time in doubt, worrying, or intelligently said “juggling our options”. Uncertainty is deeply related to impermanence. While we all expect everything we succeeded in will stay the same, that’s when the fear or the realm of impermanence strikes in. The good thing is that we can expect everything we struggled about will change. The impermanence will always strikes in. “Anicca”, the word originates from Pali language, which means “Impermanence” describes that everything is in transience. It’s actually one of the three marks of existence in Buddhism. We never know how every situation would turn out.

Rupert Gethin once wrote in his book The Foundation of Buddhism, 

“As long as there is attachment to things that are unstable, unreliable, changing and impermanent, there will be suffering – when they change, when they cease to be what we want them to be. (…) If craving is the cause of suffering, then the cessation of suffering will surely follow from 'the complete fading away and ceasing of that very craving': its abandoning, relinquishing, releasing, letting go.”

We will never be satisfied with everything. If we are aware about the fact that everything is impermanent, maybe it will lift a handful of our burdens. Should we never settle for everything, then, for nothing is permanent? Or should we settle, with heart and mind guarded with the anticipation of losing? 

The Japanese were known for their philosophical life and how they deal with such things as impermanence is really insightful for us. The terms "Mono no aware" is literally translated to “the pathos of things”, which, if freely translated will completely describe the fullness of meaning they have. Instead of assuming the worst of everything, negatively said, they tell us to be aware of the transience of things, and heightens our appreciation towards things, while manages to allowing gentle sadness on their passing.

On a personal note, I want to try to relate the above description according to Buddhism and how the Japanese applied in their everyday life with how Christians live, without any bad sentiment of comparing between the two.

Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

The main idea the two both share is “letting go”, which has been the generally accepted solution to the problem caused by uncertainty and impermanence, which reproduces a state of being worry. If we keep ahold on something so uncertain, without any good foundation on why are we doing that, we will be worn out and deteriorated from the rust of worries. The Bible tries to confront us with the irrelevant comparison between ourselves and the birds of the air (v.26) and the flowers of the field (v.28). It’s irrelevant because how could anybody compare the creation that created according to His image (ourselves), with the creations which created to be subdued by His image (the birds and flowers)? 

Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Letting go requires an active approach, rather than just passively wait and do nothing. As we being aware of the transience of things and heightens our appreciation of things, we keep being still and know, that there is God above who listens and answers our prayers, and heightens our faithfulness towards the work of His hand, which are undone in us.

Do not worry, O ye of little faith!

Out of Shell

We were all shelled. We tried to protect ourselves from outside. We built our shell, just as hard as the waves coming. We tried very hard not to break, not only from outside, but also from inside. Sometimes, the shell we built was too strong for the waves, and we thought it was good. We could stay where we were, regardless the waves crashing, and we could keep to ourselves what we had, because we think that the entire outside was bad. We weren’t that bad, we thought. We’re not bad enough, not until the waves need to wipe us away. It was just how strong we were to adapt in whatever situations we faced.

We were all breaking. Even if we thought it was just a hairline crack. Once our shell was cracked open, and then we were all helpless. Our standpoint was compromised, the waves crashed upon us a hundred times more painful than they were then. Our beliefs were compromised, leaving all things that once we believed in, hung on a tree of confusion. Whether or not, our beliefs were right enough, or we had false beliefs?

We were all coping. We felt the need to cope, to try to make something right. Our compromised standpoints, our false beliefs, our confusions, they were all need to be renewed, or replaced. How did we cope? We could blame the science, blame our religion, blame others, or even blame ourselves. It was all about maturity.

What if, the waves crashed upon us are in the perfectly measured power, to just crack us open, expose us to the world? What if, the waves themselves, tried to save us from breaking? What if, the shell we built was too strong, because of our fear to the crappy world we lived, until we weren’t up for change anymore? What if, the shell we built so strong to protect us from breaking, strangled us from the lack of oxygen?

Eventually, we all knew that the life protected in a shell was not healthy either. All of us had something good to contribute to the world. It was just a shell we built, that covered all the goodness. The shell once got stained, and rusted, and what would we show to the world, which only saw from outside manner. Would we just show the rusted and stained shell protecting us, or would we expose ourselves to the waves coming, wishing the waves would break our shell for us to show what we really had for the world? The broken shells were not breaking then; it was building a better world, instead.

Twenty-five.

Where are you?

Here I am, in the midst of my twenties, quarter –life crisis, they said.
In the midst of everything, thinking to leave out to live, or to live in for life, the better, they said.
Not knowing what to pursue, career, life, or even nothing.
I can barely see my future, yet I’m still holding on, to what exactly?
The cloudy mornings, or the rainy evening, who else can forecast, if it is not myself.

Where are you?
Here I am, exactly right behind you. Not knowing if I’m hiding or what else, if that matters.
Setting my ears into every word you say, about living out loud. Yes, I can hear you, loud and clear
Not knowing who else I should listen to, about my stupid life, which you always say it’s mine
I’m looking forward for a better future, which never will be about you, even an inch of it.
But yet, I am still here, tuning into your words.

Where are you?
Here I am, in the midst of my parents carefully hugging me.
Getting lost in the thought of leaving them for making my own life, or staying home for them.
Not knowing which path should I choose, for myself or for them, exactly?
They said you always have a home here, anytime, and they said you should make it outside
Could I make it outside without leaving home?

Where are you?
Exactly right here, in front of you, bending my knees, looking up to you.
Making a face you can’t ever resist, holding a hand I will never lose, and a handful of love we share.
I am ready, aren’t I? Have I lived my life outwardly, giving all of me to them before leaving with you?
Have I made it outside as my parents always say, or have I found a home in you?

Here I am, standing perfectly still.
I am ready to live out, and soon to live in.
I am ready to listen to myself.
I am ready to make it outside to make it home
To you.

Eventually.

Wait.

It’s the one word I embrace dearly. It’s not that I’m a procrastinator, or someone’s not up to schedule. I wait because it’s easier to, than rushing things up. I wait because it’s never really the time to do something, or to have something. I wait because I’m not sure, simply put. I guess we all wait for the moments, the promotions, the things we want to, and even the love of our life. I mean, it’s the universe has all the deciding (or God, if you a believer), not us here. So, I guess I’ll wait.

The knowledge of all things must affect our willingness to wait. The more we know, the less we want to wait. The more we know, the more we feel the universe has given us the force (and again, or God has given us signs). And I think, in order to feel that kind of feelings, it is really up to us, isn’t it? When we feel it’s time, or when we feel it’s her/him, or even when we feel it’s right/wrong, it is completely up to us.

Simply said, it’s our choice to proceed or to wait. I’m more a waiting person, personally. When I know things, I wait. When I see things, I wait. When I meet someone, I wait. See, I’m starting to feel I’m in trouble here. Knowing something is painful. It’s not like we get backstage passes around the concert, or watching some behind-the-scene footages of a movie. In those cases, when we’re done getting around the backstage, we get to watch the actual concert, which is presentable, works the same in behind-the-scenes. We get the ending we all expect.

What I meant by “painful” is, that knowing something leads us to another facts. It will never be enough. And, how much of knowledge will contain us? How much is too much? The pain never stops. They are coated like an ice-cream, which we will crave for more and more, but actually, they are simply infections. I drew something, which somehow led me writing about this,

It’s just some crappy doodle, but managed to make me think about how I should process all the knowledge I had. It leads us now to another selfish thing called “timing”. You know, people says “timing’s a bitch” every time. Now it’s getting me confused, is it the timing, or the time itself, is those bitch? In between the now and the later, there are countless of questions, uncertainties, worries, or even lies spread upon. We lie to ourselves. The timing is not right, let’s wait a little bit longer.

Then, we’re now at this confusion. Let’s hope we could find some light about this. Is it “eventually”, or is it “actually”, that will happen as a result of those countless time wasted on waiting? It definitely will be “eventually”. We give in to those situations that keep us waiting, and still we think to get the actual things, as things are if we never wait?

Is it fair to trade all of the enjoyment derived from waiting, for something that’s sure from the beginning? I start to see that waiting is an art, which not only gives you the enjoyment, but also drains your energy with performing it continuously.

So, love eventually guys.

Grace to Grace

It’s Easter today. March 27, 2016. The time for us celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who took all of our burdens, sins, and shame, up to the cross and died up there. We have been renewed; we will have new life ahead, new life in Jesus, whose grace introduced the new way of life. Okay, it’s quite a background. Moving along.

Apart from the images we posted on Path and Instagram, saying how grateful we are, and how we promised to leave our old way of living, actually I felt pretty insecure. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s kind of a poor gambling Jesus did, to give away His life for us. Which I would never do, gamble my own life on something or someone I am not sure about. How can Jesus be sure about us, the tricksters and sinners of us. No way.

Yes, He is Jesus, and we are human, the infinite versus the finite. The all of all versus the bullshit we are. To save our time thinking about this, we often include the word ‘Grace’ to describe all of this we are clueless about. But really, haven’t you, even just for once thinking how can He be willing to do all of that? Be open to me. I’ve been thinking about that for a long time now, on how wasteful His sacrifice for me, the hopeless yet hopeful, faithful yet faithless, the dirty-thinker of me. Yes, I know and very aware of how big it is, yet I don’t think I can live up the expectation here.

Yet, He still did it. And He does it again today. For the second consecutive years of me being Christian, and still that thought lingered. But, He doesn’t care, He still does it. No matter how hard I doubt myself and Him, He still did, does, and will do it again and again. Okay, let’s just say my mind’s path is blocked by a gigantic wall hundred metres high, and I can’t get past that. My brain has not reached a point where it could form a thought that could adequately describe the greatness of my God, quoting Mr. Isaac Wimberley on his great poem “The Word”. And should I keep trying?

Now I think I should flip the way I think, from “How could He do it for me?” to “How can I return the grace I received?” Yes, it is grace. I don’t mean to save my time I’ve been wasting to think about this, but I think I’ve discovered a new understanding of grace. I’ll just put it that way.

Then, I think again. Our position with Jesus is already defined. At least in my understanding, Jesus stands there as a giver, and we bow down here asking, as a receiver. Please enlighten me if you guys think of something. I could never imagine us giving back to Jesus, with our worldly things. The best we could give is our weekly offering and tithe. Is it enough to repay? Jesus gave His life on the cross, and graced us wholeheartedly, and we give back with money? I can’t even make any sense of this.

But, we can stand here also, as a giver, to others. We can serve, as Jesus did in His lifetime. Serving others with the grace we received, I think that’s the goal we should pursue. It’s not giving back to Him, but to pay it forward to others.

1 Peter 4:10-11 MSG

7-11 Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God’s words; if help, let it be God’s hearty help. That way, God’s bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he’ll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time. Oh, yes!

To conclude all my less-biblical murmur here, let’s just don’t think how grand His sacrifice for us and be insecure. Let’s just think about what can we do for others so the name of God be glorified and we can walk from grace to grace.