Out of Shell

We were all shelled. We tried to protect ourselves from outside. We built our shell, just as hard as the waves coming. We tried very hard not to break, not only from outside, but also from inside. Sometimes, the shell we built was too strong for the waves, and we thought it was good. We could stay where we were, regardless the waves crashing, and we could keep to ourselves what we had, because we think that the entire outside was bad. We weren’t that bad, we thought. We’re not bad enough, not until the waves need to wipe us away. It was just how strong we were to adapt in whatever situations we faced.

We were all breaking. Even if we thought it was just a hairline crack. Once our shell was cracked open, and then we were all helpless. Our standpoint was compromised, the waves crashed upon us a hundred times more painful than they were then. Our beliefs were compromised, leaving all things that once we believed in, hung on a tree of confusion. Whether or not, our beliefs were right enough, or we had false beliefs?

We were all coping. We felt the need to cope, to try to make something right. Our compromised standpoints, our false beliefs, our confusions, they were all need to be renewed, or replaced. How did we cope? We could blame the science, blame our religion, blame others, or even blame ourselves. It was all about maturity.

What if, the waves crashed upon us are in the perfectly measured power, to just crack us open, expose us to the world? What if, the waves themselves, tried to save us from breaking? What if, the shell we built was too strong, because of our fear to the crappy world we lived, until we weren’t up for change anymore? What if, the shell we built so strong to protect us from breaking, strangled us from the lack of oxygen?

Eventually, we all knew that the life protected in a shell was not healthy either. All of us had something good to contribute to the world. It was just a shell we built, that covered all the goodness. The shell once got stained, and rusted, and what would we show to the world, which only saw from outside manner. Would we just show the rusted and stained shell protecting us, or would we expose ourselves to the waves coming, wishing the waves would break our shell for us to show what we really had for the world? The broken shells were not breaking then; it was building a better world, instead.

Twenty-five.

Where are you?

Here I am, in the midst of my twenties, quarter –life crisis, they said.
In the midst of everything, thinking to leave out to live, or to live in for life, the better, they said.
Not knowing what to pursue, career, life, or even nothing.
I can barely see my future, yet I’m still holding on, to what exactly?
The cloudy mornings, or the rainy evening, who else can forecast, if it is not myself.

Where are you?
Here I am, exactly right behind you. Not knowing if I’m hiding or what else, if that matters.
Setting my ears into every word you say, about living out loud. Yes, I can hear you, loud and clear
Not knowing who else I should listen to, about my stupid life, which you always say it’s mine
I’m looking forward for a better future, which never will be about you, even an inch of it.
But yet, I am still here, tuning into your words.

Where are you?
Here I am, in the midst of my parents carefully hugging me.
Getting lost in the thought of leaving them for making my own life, or staying home for them.
Not knowing which path should I choose, for myself or for them, exactly?
They said you always have a home here, anytime, and they said you should make it outside
Could I make it outside without leaving home?

Where are you?
Exactly right here, in front of you, bending my knees, looking up to you.
Making a face you can’t ever resist, holding a hand I will never lose, and a handful of love we share.
I am ready, aren’t I? Have I lived my life outwardly, giving all of me to them before leaving with you?
Have I made it outside as my parents always say, or have I found a home in you?

Here I am, standing perfectly still.
I am ready to live out, and soon to live in.
I am ready to listen to myself.
I am ready to make it outside to make it home
To you.

Eventually.

Wait.

It’s the one word I embrace dearly. It’s not that I’m a procrastinator, or someone’s not up to schedule. I wait because it’s easier to, than rushing things up. I wait because it’s never really the time to do something, or to have something. I wait because I’m not sure, simply put. I guess we all wait for the moments, the promotions, the things we want to, and even the love of our life. I mean, it’s the universe has all the deciding (or God, if you a believer), not us here. So, I guess I’ll wait.

The knowledge of all things must affect our willingness to wait. The more we know, the less we want to wait. The more we know, the more we feel the universe has given us the force (and again, or God has given us signs). And I think, in order to feel that kind of feelings, it is really up to us, isn’t it? When we feel it’s time, or when we feel it’s her/him, or even when we feel it’s right/wrong, it is completely up to us.

Simply said, it’s our choice to proceed or to wait. I’m more a waiting person, personally. When I know things, I wait. When I see things, I wait. When I meet someone, I wait. See, I’m starting to feel I’m in trouble here. Knowing something is painful. It’s not like we get backstage passes around the concert, or watching some behind-the-scene footages of a movie. In those cases, when we’re done getting around the backstage, we get to watch the actual concert, which is presentable, works the same in behind-the-scenes. We get the ending we all expect.

What I meant by “painful” is, that knowing something leads us to another facts. It will never be enough. And, how much of knowledge will contain us? How much is too much? The pain never stops. They are coated like an ice-cream, which we will crave for more and more, but actually, they are simply infections. I drew something, which somehow led me writing about this,

It’s just some crappy doodle, but managed to make me think about how I should process all the knowledge I had. It leads us now to another selfish thing called “timing”. You know, people says “timing’s a bitch” every time. Now it’s getting me confused, is it the timing, or the time itself, is those bitch? In between the now and the later, there are countless of questions, uncertainties, worries, or even lies spread upon. We lie to ourselves. The timing is not right, let’s wait a little bit longer.

Then, we’re now at this confusion. Let’s hope we could find some light about this. Is it “eventually”, or is it “actually”, that will happen as a result of those countless time wasted on waiting? It definitely will be “eventually”. We give in to those situations that keep us waiting, and still we think to get the actual things, as things are if we never wait?

Is it fair to trade all of the enjoyment derived from waiting, for something that’s sure from the beginning? I start to see that waiting is an art, which not only gives you the enjoyment, but also drains your energy with performing it continuously.

So, love eventually guys.

Grace to Grace

It’s Easter today. March 27, 2016. The time for us celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who took all of our burdens, sins, and shame, up to the cross and died up there. We have been renewed; we will have new life ahead, new life in Jesus, whose grace introduced the new way of life. Okay, it’s quite a background. Moving along.

Apart from the images we posted on Path and Instagram, saying how grateful we are, and how we promised to leave our old way of living, actually I felt pretty insecure. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s kind of a poor gambling Jesus did, to give away His life for us. Which I would never do, gamble my own life on something or someone I am not sure about. How can Jesus be sure about us, the tricksters and sinners of us. No way.

Yes, He is Jesus, and we are human, the infinite versus the finite. The all of all versus the bullshit we are. To save our time thinking about this, we often include the word ‘Grace’ to describe all of this we are clueless about. But really, haven’t you, even just for once thinking how can He be willing to do all of that? Be open to me. I’ve been thinking about that for a long time now, on how wasteful His sacrifice for me, the hopeless yet hopeful, faithful yet faithless, the dirty-thinker of me. Yes, I know and very aware of how big it is, yet I don’t think I can live up the expectation here.

Yet, He still did it. And He does it again today. For the second consecutive years of me being Christian, and still that thought lingered. But, He doesn’t care, He still does it. No matter how hard I doubt myself and Him, He still did, does, and will do it again and again. Okay, let’s just say my mind’s path is blocked by a gigantic wall hundred metres high, and I can’t get past that. My brain has not reached a point where it could form a thought that could adequately describe the greatness of my God, quoting Mr. Isaac Wimberley on his great poem “The Word”. And should I keep trying?

Now I think I should flip the way I think, from “How could He do it for me?” to “How can I return the grace I received?” Yes, it is grace. I don’t mean to save my time I’ve been wasting to think about this, but I think I’ve discovered a new understanding of grace. I’ll just put it that way.

Then, I think again. Our position with Jesus is already defined. At least in my understanding, Jesus stands there as a giver, and we bow down here asking, as a receiver. Please enlighten me if you guys think of something. I could never imagine us giving back to Jesus, with our worldly things. The best we could give is our weekly offering and tithe. Is it enough to repay? Jesus gave His life on the cross, and graced us wholeheartedly, and we give back with money? I can’t even make any sense of this.

But, we can stand here also, as a giver, to others. We can serve, as Jesus did in His lifetime. Serving others with the grace we received, I think that’s the goal we should pursue. It’s not giving back to Him, but to pay it forward to others.

1 Peter 4:10-11 MSG

7-11 Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God’s words; if help, let it be God’s hearty help. That way, God’s bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he’ll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time. Oh, yes!

To conclude all my less-biblical murmur here, let’s just don’t think how grand His sacrifice for us and be insecure. Let’s just think about what can we do for others so the name of God be glorified and we can walk from grace to grace.

Sacrifice & Surrender

It’s Good Friday today, where we Christians celebrate, or perhaps commemorate the death of Jesus Christ. I personally went to church today, and I got something going on in my mind about the Good Friday itself, and how it will affect our daily life ahead.

I strongly believe, as many people do, that Jesus Christ died at the cross because of our sins, which have been paid in full by His own blood. As my pastor said, that Jesus came to this earth to repay our debts, our sins, which He could easily turned around in a blink of an eye, yet He didn’t choose such way, but fulfilling the hardest way possible, through death.

Romans 6:23

“For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

The wages of sin is death, which should all expensed to us, the sinners. Yet He came here to write the expenses off, through the way it should be, as said in the bible. For me, it’s His greatest sacrifice for all mankind. Then, the sins have been paid, and we are set free by His grace, and what should we do then? Remembering the love He has poured for us so grand, yet it feels impossible to repay.

I got this very thought when I was praying, and it went like this, “God, thank You for Your sacrifice at the cross for me, I surrender all my life to You. Lead me Your way, wherever You want.” Then, instantly I thought about how it correlated, the sacrifice and the surrender.

First, let’s talk about the similarities between sacrifice and surrender. First thing I noted that both need something as an object, rather than a subject. Jesus Christ sacrificed His own life, for our lives. Then, we should all surrender all our lives to Him. Second, it needs a big object, significant enough for us to ponder many times before we make commitment about it. Life it is. Sometimes, we want life to go our way, where we want it to be, yet surrendering means giving control over everything life-related to Him, the way He committed His life hung up on that nasty cross for us.

Then, both surrendering and sacrificing need a proactive mind approach. By proactive approach, I mean there are things need to be done to sacrifice, or to surrender. As Jesus Christ has done His time on earth, ministering about the kingdom of God, until the time He was prosecuted and sentenced to death. He has sacrificed His life on earth for one reason, saving us. For me, surrendering is no easier than sacrificing. Proactively surrender means doing what we can with our maximum ability, and surrender the rest to Him who has all planned out, rather than passively waiting for signals and hoping that all will be provided with less work.

Over all the similarities I have stated above, there is one difference between them. While sacrifice goes downwards, the surrender goes upwards. Jesus Christ has sacrificed His life, as He’s a son of God, for us sinful humans. He willingly reached for us the helpless, instead sitting graciously on His seat. We look up to surrender our life, where we place our hopes and prayers, faith and fears, happy and tears.

Jesus extends His grace, as He sacrificed His life for us, we reach out for His hands, as we surrender all our life to Him.

Mengalami.

Untuk mengalami, atau sebuah pengalaman

Untuk memberi, atau menahan

Untuk mengisi hidup, atau menghitung hari

Untuk tetap setia, atau tetap mencari.

Pengalaman bukan mengalami

Takkan berarti, terus meminta tanpa memberi

Bukan pengalaman hidup yang utama

Tapi mengalami hidup lebih nyata.

Memberi dan menerima, keseimbangan

Mencinta dan dicinta, kebahagiaan

Semua yang kau terima, diberkati

Semua yang kau beri, memberkati.

Terima kasih hidup, atas kesempatannya

Mengalamimu lebih dalam

Terima kasih hidup, atas pencobaannya

Menggumulimu lebih lebam.

Filosofi dan Logika

Jalan hidupku yang membawa arah, ke manapun ia melangkah, aku diam pasrah. Akulah yang menjalani lika-likunya, dan sudah seharusnya ia yang mengikut, dan bukan bertanya. Hidupku bukan hidupmu, jadi cukuplah simpan prakatamu, sebelum semuanya jadi semu, dan hidupku jadi hidupmu. Aku tak mau! Apa yang telah kuraih, dengan tangan yang selalu menggapai, takkan pernah cukup memenuhi ego yang membuatku lunglai. Sekencang apa aku berlari? Secepat itukah aku mengejar, apa? Diriku sendiri?

Langkahku yang semula cepat, tiba-tiba bergetar hebat. Entah apa yang membuatku melambat, apakah hujan badai, apakah hujan deras, ataukah hanya gerimis lebat? Aku terkesiap. Seperti berlari sendirian di lintasan balap, putaran demi putaran kulahap, dengan langkah kaki yang semakin berderap. Bayanganku mengejar semakin cepat saja, padahal di putaran sebelumnya aku cukup berjalan manja. Begitukah putaran kehidupan? Akan semakin cepat dan memusingkan, hingga tidak ada lagi asa untuk bahkan melangkah pelan.

Sudah sewajarnya tujuanku terkuak jelas, semua yang bisa dan tidak bisa kuraih, harus bisa kupilih dengan bebas dan tegas. Tapi kenyataannya? Semua masih samar, buram hampir tak berbentuk, dan jalannya belum tentu benar. Sedikit mencuat harapan masa depan, dengan probabilitas yang tidak bisa dibilang bukan, tidak juga bisa dibenarkan. Langkah demi langkah kulihat bayanganku akan selalu lebih jauh di depan, menggenggam sedikit semangat terus belajar. Oh, aku harus terus mengejar!

“Aku mau melakukan sesuatu untuk satu alasan!”, pikirku di awal perjalanan. Satu alasan yang paling konkret dan sekaligus paling klise adalah ‘menjadi bahagia’. Bagaimana mendefinisikan bahagia? Di saat semua yang aku lakukan membuatku gila? Oh, dengan menyelesaikannya segera. Aku menyelesaikannya segera, dengan harapan jadi bahagia. Perlahan, aku mulai paham artinya, ‘kebahagiaan yang kudapat dari selesai segera dan selesai bermakna adalah sama’. Aku mulai tenggelam dalam kebahagiaan yang lama-lama punya nama. Namanya bukan bahagia.

Di saat filosofi datang menyapu semua logikaku, sekejap ototku kaku, lidahku kelu. Seperti dihantam badai topan, aku terpaku. Ingin rasanya ikut lari bersama yang lain, tapi apa arahnya sama, atau sama sekali lain? Kekakuan ini membuatku jatuh tersungkur, tersapu sisa-sisa badai yang telah gugur. Aku masih hidup, dan hari ini membuatku berpikir sejenak, apa yang membuatku redup? Apakah aku terlalu bahagia? Atau karena “bahagia” ini aku jadi menderita? Entahlah. Aku yakin.

Satu alasan itu tiba-tiba jadi jelas, seperti kamu tersenyum di balik beningnya gelas. Aku hanya ingin segera, dan bukannya bermakna. Itulah mengapa! Kesegeraan membunuh makna. Aku belajar banyak menyelesaikan masalah dengan segera, dan itu meletupkan kebahagiaan semu yang sama sekali berbeda. Menjadi bermakna bukan berarti selalu sama, bisa saja berbeda, namun tetap seirama. Aku yakin, untuk saat ini, itu yang akan kucari.