Twenty-five.

Where are you?

Here I am, in the midst of my twenties, quarter –life crisis, they said.
In the midst of everything, thinking to leave out to live, or to live in for life, the better, they said.
Not knowing what to pursue, career, life, or even nothing.
I can barely see my future, yet I’m still holding on, to what exactly?
The cloudy mornings, or the rainy evening, who else can forecast, if it is not myself.

Where are you?
Here I am, exactly right behind you. Not knowing if I’m hiding or what else, if that matters.
Setting my ears into every word you say, about living out loud. Yes, I can hear you, loud and clear
Not knowing who else I should listen to, about my stupid life, which you always say it’s mine
I’m looking forward for a better future, which never will be about you, even an inch of it.
But yet, I am still here, tuning into your words.

Where are you?
Here I am, in the midst of my parents carefully hugging me.
Getting lost in the thought of leaving them for making my own life, or staying home for them.
Not knowing which path should I choose, for myself or for them, exactly?
They said you always have a home here, anytime, and they said you should make it outside
Could I make it outside without leaving home?

Where are you?
Exactly right here, in front of you, bending my knees, looking up to you.
Making a face you can’t ever resist, holding a hand I will never lose, and a handful of love we share.
I am ready, aren’t I? Have I lived my life outwardly, giving all of me to them before leaving with you?
Have I made it outside as my parents always say, or have I found a home in you?

Here I am, standing perfectly still.
I am ready to live out, and soon to live in.
I am ready to listen to myself.
I am ready to make it outside to make it home
To you.

Eventually.

Wait.

It’s the one word I embrace dearly. It’s not that I’m a procrastinator, or someone’s not up to schedule. I wait because it’s easier to, than rushing things up. I wait because it’s never really the time to do something, or to have something. I wait because I’m not sure, simply put. I guess we all wait for the moments, the promotions, the things we want to, and even the love of our life. I mean, it’s the universe has all the deciding (or God, if you a believer), not us here. So, I guess I’ll wait.

The knowledge of all things must affect our willingness to wait. The more we know, the less we want to wait. The more we know, the more we feel the universe has given us the force (and again, or God has given us signs). And I think, in order to feel that kind of feelings, it is really up to us, isn’t it? When we feel it’s time, or when we feel it’s her/him, or even when we feel it’s right/wrong, it is completely up to us.

Simply said, it’s our choice to proceed or to wait. I’m more a waiting person, personally. When I know things, I wait. When I see things, I wait. When I meet someone, I wait. See, I’m starting to feel I’m in trouble here. Knowing something is painful. It’s not like we get backstage passes around the concert, or watching some behind-the-scene footages of a movie. In those cases, when we’re done getting around the backstage, we get to watch the actual concert, which is presentable, works the same in behind-the-scenes. We get the ending we all expect.

What I meant by “painful” is, that knowing something leads us to another facts. It will never be enough. And, how much of knowledge will contain us? How much is too much? The pain never stops. They are coated like an ice-cream, which we will crave for more and more, but actually, they are simply infections. I drew something, which somehow led me writing about this,

It’s just some crappy doodle, but managed to make me think about how I should process all the knowledge I had. It leads us now to another selfish thing called “timing”. You know, people says “timing’s a bitch” every time. Now it’s getting me confused, is it the timing, or the time itself, is those bitch? In between the now and the later, there are countless of questions, uncertainties, worries, or even lies spread upon. We lie to ourselves. The timing is not right, let’s wait a little bit longer.

Then, we’re now at this confusion. Let’s hope we could find some light about this. Is it “eventually”, or is it “actually”, that will happen as a result of those countless time wasted on waiting? It definitely will be “eventually”. We give in to those situations that keep us waiting, and still we think to get the actual things, as things are if we never wait?

Is it fair to trade all of the enjoyment derived from waiting, for something that’s sure from the beginning? I start to see that waiting is an art, which not only gives you the enjoyment, but also drains your energy with performing it continuously.

So, love eventually guys.